GypSy

Criminally Yours

2012-01-14T10:46:00.001+04:00

The tenth morning of 2012 had a very bad start. As I woke up and checked my twitter timeline, I came across an extremely depressing and heart wrenching story. It was posted by Hammad (@Hamster41). Hammad is usually a very funny guy and has even won the best humor blog award at the PBA but in that tweet of his he was dead serious.

He had posted the story of Shams-ul-Anwar; the retired Pakistan army Lance Naik from 24 Baloch regiment. The story appeared in a local newspaper with the captivating title ‘Waiting to receive pieces of daughter’s dead body’. I read it once… my heart sank and I read it again and again and then posted it to my followers.

I was sitting there, feeling helpless, wondering what an individual like me could do to help Shams, when Sana Kazmi, one of my followers on posted the story to a famous Pakistani politician, known for her popular public image and conscience. That’s when the idea clicked.

“Please send this link to all the celebrities and politicians you follow on twitter.” I tweeted with the link.

“And all the talk show anchors!” I got the first reply.

And then I started getting RTs and I also realized it wasn’t just me who got this idea. Pakistan had started tweeting. All the celebrities were being sent the link and whoever RTed it, their followers spread it around.

Asma Ather, someone I don’t know, turned out to be the most active on this task tagging almost all the known politicians and celebrities of the country.

I think it was Marvi Sirmed who came up with the hashtag #JusticeForShamsulAnwar and it started trending in Karachi and then Pakistan. People like Mohammad Ali Rehman and Yusra Askari went crazy on the hashtag. The link to Shakeel Anjum’s article was shared and re-shared and re-shared on my Facebook wall by several people.

A movement had started.

Unfortunately, as it has been the case with our country, none of the people who could actually do something, responded to this movement. None of the politicians bothered replying to public pleas to save Madinah Anwar from the animals who were willing to cut her body into pieces. The same female politician mentioned above kept tweeting about her road trips to different locations and youth that supports her. Another female politician who is an active member of the ruling party asked the nation to pray but did not mentioned if her ruling party had any thoughts about bringing the girl back. Secretary information and interior minister also remained silent while people like model Aamina Haq spread the message around.

And then someone tweeted this to Ansar Burney. Just the perfect man to do the job. In a matter of hours, the ransom amount was arranged and in a span of almost 24 hours, Dr. Awab Alvi announced, again on twitter, that Madinah Anwar had been recovered. Pakistanis started congratulating each other. Tweets came flowing in, Facebook statuses were updated. I too, felt really good about the whole thing. It restored my faith in us as a nation, in the power of social media and in selfless people who want to help humanity at large.

And then news started coming in that the whole thing was a hoax. At first I did not believe it but as the day progressed, it became certain that Shamsul Anwar had created the whole drama for money. The whole thing became really embarrassing especially for those who only wanted to help and were vocal about it. There was no kidnapping, no ransom and no dead body. Angry updates were posted on Twitter and Facebook… some were hurt and asked for strict punishment for the con artist.

And then we all moved on.

The whole thing, from publishing of the news report to the arrest of the con artist took less than 72 hours.

72 hours…

Those 72 hours have reiterated the point that if we are convinced on something, the emotional nation that we are, we will go all out and do whatever is possible and at times even pull up the impossible. It reminded me of the scenes I had seen at the PAF Base Faisal when people were coming to donate things to help 2008 earthquake victims. Those were touchy scenes and so were these. People went out of their ways to help Shamsul Anwar with money, with their social reach and with their prayers.

These three days also proved that our government and leaders don’t give shit about who we are, what problems we are in and what kind of help we may need from them. For them, we are mere useless voters and tax payers. It will always take the likes of Bill Gates to arrange for medical help for Arfa Karim and Ansar Burney to rescue Madinah Anwar. And they also know that we are emotional fools and can be manipulated with old but effective tools like Roti, Kapra aur Makaan, Insaaf, Shaheeds, Blasphemy, America or helpless fathers.

Nobody gained anything out of the whole Shamsul Anwar saga. Not even the con-artist himself. But we lost a lot. We lost fait and trust. People who donated the money are unlikely to get it back even though some of them might get partial amounts back. Shams has not committed an ordinary crime. He has shaken our respective faiths. Next time, if there would be a genuine Madinah Anwar captured by the terrorists and waiting for the nation to help, we will think several times before even whispering it in the ears of our siblings.

However, at the same time, I am quite sure that if something genuine comes up again, there will still be a large group of Pakistanis willing to help the needy. Yes, we have a history of such behavior and that is how our system works. Others might it funny but we are that kind of nation.

Players - Not A Review

2012-01-08T01:09:00.000+04:00

Hi. I am Bobby Deol. You must know me from several shitty movies I have done in my Bollywood career like Bardasht, Jhoom Barabar Jhoom, Dillagi, Kismat etc. Right now I am here to talk to you regarding the epitome of all shitty movies that is Players.

To start with I did not want to do this movie. I wanted to design a website instead because I have a feeling that I have a better career in that but Abbas-Mastan convinced me to do this film. We will talk about Abbas-Mastan later. They told me to watch 1993 ‘The Italian Job’, the remake of 1967 ‘The Italian Job’ and told me that they wanted to make a remake of the remake. I thought I would get to play the character played by Mark Wahlburg and get my hands on Anil Kapoor’s daughter; hence, I agreed to do the film. I have some old scores to settle with Anil Kapoor and I could settle those with his daughter. My web designing project was put on hold because of these shameless bastards.

Later on, I found out that they had assembled the most loser cast possible in a Bollywood consisting of Abhi-shit Bachchan and Bipa-shit Basu. Abhi-shit I have heard was essential for the film because his father had paid for production. Or maybe it’s only a rumor. They then added Neil ‘Not-In’ Mukesh (Not in at all, I’d say) and Sikandar Crap Kher into this epic list. Sikandar, I found out later, happens to be son of Anupam Kher. This is a serious case of sperm getting wasted. Abbas and Mustan later doped Vinod Khanna and by force signed him to do Players too. In revenge, he acted in the entire film as if he was doped. Another nail in the coffin came in the form of a guest appearance of Aftab Shit-Dasani and the platter was ready. I have heard that there was some other guy called Oh-My Vaidya in the film but I never noticed him in my shoot days.

So far so good.

Abbas Mustan took the story from The Italian Job but did not know how to make it worse hence they hired people like Nikhat Bhatty and Rohit Jugraj and co. to write the script and screenplay. You don’t know them? Oh come on… these are the people who wrote stories like Yaadein of Subhash Ghai and Superstar etc. I haven’t seen these movies. I don’t even see my own movies, anyway. Last but not the least, they hired Pritam as music director of the film but just before he could start working on it, his wi-fi broke down and he was unable to download Korean and Indonesian music. As a result of that, he gave an even more awful music of for the film.

And then we started shooting.

During the shoot I noticed one very interesting (read: utterly philosophical and actually ridiculously pointless) thing. All the characters in the film were Christians or at least had Christian names. Abhi was Charlie Mascarenhas (yes, the hero was called Charlie), Vinod Khanna was something Briganza, Sonam Kapoor was something Briganza because she was something Briganza’s daughter, Omi was Sunny and the best of all was Neil whose name was Spider and his heroine in a romantic mood would call him ‘Oh my Spideeee!’. Oh, in case you are wondering about my name, my name in the movie was Ronnie. Sikandar Kher was an exception as he was a Muslim called Bilal.

During the course of the movie, I being the greatest illusionist of the world was portrayed as a stone-faced angry man. That really helped me because I cannot get expressions on my face anyway. For some reason, other actors also thought they were supposed to follow me and forgot to give any expressions while acting. Bloody copy cats. Bipasha and Abhishek were con artists who would see each other only once in six months, conduct the robberies and move apart. I was made to believe that they did not have any mobile communication devices to keep in touch, but that’s none of my business. Bipasha had the ability to make a train engine in her workshop somewhere in India or Russia. She made that engine singlehandedly, had some turbo shit attached to it that could make it go faster than any train. Sikandar Kher was shown as a deaf guy for some inexplicable reason and his core ability was to do something which was not explained in detail. Neil was the world’s greatest computer hacker while Sonam was his avid secret disciple. Together, we all were called Players as we were the best players in the WULLD (it means WORLD but Neil called it WULLD so I would stick to it).

Players is a tale of heist, treachery, revenge, smart ass action, lame jokes, Russian generals dancing on Indian songs, Russian mafia operating freely in New Zealand and other realistic bullshit etc. To the extent that three cars were turned into gold cars in a matter of hours. There were twists in the plot and more twists in the plot and more plots in the twist and at some point we all forgot whether the film had more twists or plot. One important point though. Since the name of the movie was Players, we were forced to call each other Players repeatedly. We repeatedly said things like Let’s go players, Come on players, We can do it players etc. Also, to add authenticity the background music had chants of ‘Players’ in it.

During the shoot, I realized that the film was going no where. Since I was not going anywhere in my career either, I played along (what a player I am, players!) but the morons that Abbas and Mustan are, they decided to kill me in the film. I resisted a lot and being Sunny Pa ji’s brother, I kept getting up again and again after being shot to kill the bad guys but eventually I was killed. It took a rocket launcher to kill me by the way although after being hit with the rocket, there was not a single scar on my face or body and I even smiled at the camera.

I requested the directors to bring me back in the end as another twist. There were so many twists that audience would not have found it odd (only the audience that were not sleeping). They did not listen to me and kept me out of the second half of the movie. Please watch the movie and let me know what happens in the second half. Meanwhile, I will go back and work on my website project.

See ya.

Pakistan Cricket in 2011 - Marks Out of Ten

2012-01-02T03:52:00.003+04:00

Pakistan cricket had a typically eventful year in 2011. The year had everything to offer; unpredictably good and bad performances, changing captains and coaches, players and management duels, retirements and returns from retirements. Towards the end of the year, the team showed a mature, uncharacteristically boring but solid approach and good results. This is a review of the players in 2011, giving marks out of ten for their performance in test and ODI cricket.

1. Muhammad Hafeez – 9.25

Professor had the best year of his career in 2011 and hushed a lot of his critics including myself. It appeared as if he couldn’t do anything wrong this year be it with the ball or the bat. Featuring in 3 century partnerships in Tests and 8 70+ partnerships in ODIs, Hafeez is fast becoming the opener Pakistan needed the most. He leads the Pakistan batting with 1,075 runs in ODIs with 3 hundreds and 5 fifties and 647 runs in Tests at an average of 41 with 2 hundreds. His bowling abilities make him the perfect all-rounder, specially his appetite for left handed batsmen. He took 35 ODI wickets and 15 Test wickets in 2011 both at 25 apiece. His ODI wickets came at a measly economy rate of 3.5. No doubt Hafeez was the top performer for Pakistan in 2011 in every form of the game. Beware Cook and Morgan, he will be coming at you soon.

2. Shahid Afridi – 9.00

No Pakistani cricketer ever since the retirement of Imran Khan, has seen the star power Shahid Afridi has seen. Not even Wasim Akram. The stadium erupts in screams when he bowls, comes out to bat, catches a ball or even mis-fields. Under his captaincy, he took the team to the World Cup Semi Final, leading from the front with the ball. In 2011, Shahid Afridi took 45 ODI wickets at an average of 21 with 4 5 wicket hauls. He has now become the 9^th highest wicket taker in the ODI history and is the only current player in the top 10. In 2011, he showed that he can change the games single handedly during the world cup and then in Sharjah. His batting left a bit to be desired, although he still managed 462 runs at average of 22 and a strike rate of 127.

3. Saeed Ajmal – 9.00

Just yesterday, Cricinfo released its best of 2011 list and the only player to feature in both ODI and Test teams was Saeed Ajmal. Ajmal has developed into the most effective spin wizard in the game as of now. His variations and ability to turn the ball both ways makes him the most lethal bowling weapon of Pakistan. He was the leading Test wicket taker in the year with 50 wickets at 23 with three 5 and one 10 wickets hauls. In ODIs, he was even more effective for his 34 wickets where he only give 17 runs per wicket and 3.5 runs per over. On multiple occasions, he was introduced into bowling with the opponents looking strong and he trapped them with his guile. Very interestingly, Ajmal also had a batting average of 17 in Tests in 2011. In the upcoming series against England, Ajmal will be the key to Pakistan’s success.

4. Azhar Ali – 8.00

Azhar is not a regular member of the ODI team and has only played one ODI in his career; however, he has solidified his position and the dependable middle order batsman of future for the country. He has happily taken over the responsibility of batting at the dreaded yet coveted number three position, pushing Younus and Misbah down in the batting order giving it more depth. Azhar has faced England in England, Australia in England, South Africa and Sri Lanka in UAE and has shown temperament to play the highest form of cricket. In 2011, he average 46 in tests for his 732 runs scoring his first hundred and 7 half centuries in ten games. He also has 11 catches and a solo wicket of Kumar Sangakkara to his name in 2011.

5. Misbah-ul-Haq – 7.50

Misbah is a mystery that still has not been solved. You can’t love him and you can’t hate him. Pakistani fans might not forgive him for his strike rate of 69 in ODIs, his batting in the world cup semi final or his refusal to go for victory more than once in tests but but you cannot deny that he has earned respect for the Pakistan team as a captain and his role as a player cannot be overlooked either. An average of 54 for his 964 runs in ODIs is phenomenal. In Tests, he averages 70 for his 765 runs in 2011. 9 fifties in ODIs, one hundred in tests and 7 fifties are no mean achievements. Add to this, a hundred percent record as a captain for not losing any test series in last year. How long he will serve the team, no one can be sure but in the last 20 months or so, he has been the strongest pillar of maturity for Pakistan cricket.

6. Younus Khan – 7.50

What a team player Younus Khan is. He just keeps doing his job. Good wickets, bad wickets, fast bowlers, spinners no matter what the other team brings on, Younus keeps smiling and scoring runs. His career average of 53 in tests is a testimonial of his character. In 2011, he averaged 89 with the bat for his 765 runs where he also scored a double hundred. He also shared 4 century partnerships with Misbah in last year. He scored 764 runs in ODIs with 5 fifties, however, at an average of 35 and strike rate of 76. at some stage, the management and Younus himself will have to decide what he wants to do with his ODI career, however, for his test career, everything seems to be working fine.

7. Umar Akmal – 7.00

Raw talent makes you a good player. Application makes you a great player. Umar Akmal has abundance of raw talent. What he lacks is the application of it on the field that can make him a better player than Rohit Sharma, Kohli or AB De Villiers. His attitude with the bat, hovering at the border of arrogance, at times gets the better of him and he loses his wicket. His 785 runs in ODIs in 2011 at 41 per inning could have been much more than that. His only one fifty in 5 test innings last year leave much to be desired. Right now, he is fighting for his spot in test team with Asad Shafiq and will have to prove his worth. In ODIs and T20s, his selection is a no-brainer.

8. Umar Gul – 7.00

Umar Gul had one of his best years in 2011. The spot fixing calamity left Pakistan with a big hole in the bowling line-up but Gul took the responsibility seriously and responded very well with his performance. He averaged 26 in both tests and ODIs for his 34 and 28 wickets respectively. What the numbers don’t reflect is the fact that all his test wickets came on non-responsive flat UAE wickets. A fit and in rhythm Umar Gul is what Pakistan need for the next two years to keep challenging other teams.

9. Aizaz Cheema – 7.00

Getting a break in the national side after a decade of playing first class cricket, Aizaz Cheema has grabbed the opportunity with both hands. At times, preferred over the talented Junaid Khan in the playing eleven, Cheema has gotten response from flat wickets. His nippy action and workmanship makes him a much needed member of the squad. Given a chance of supporting wickets, he should be able to get some real big wickets for the team. In 2011, he took 19 test wickets in 4 matches at 24.6 average and 13 ODI wickets at 20.8. These stats are better than those of Junaid Khan for both number of wickets and average.

10. Adnan Akmal – 6.50

When it comes to wicket keeping, for Pakistan fans, no news is good news. We are so used to Kamran Akmal method of wicket keeping that our standards have gone seriously low. Adnan Akmal might not be a brilliant keeper but he appears to be a safe keeper. Pakistan fans have taken a sigh of relief for his 33 dismissals in 2011 (29 catches and 4 stumpings) in 8 matches. He hasn’t shown if he is as good with the bat as his other family members, even though he has scored 211 runs with an average of 35 and one fifty. Other keeping options tested by Pakistan i.e. Salman and Sarfaraz haven’t shown that much promise with the bat either. Adnan’s true test will be against a better opposition like England where his batting will be exposed more.

Among other players, Asad Shafiq, Taufeeq Umar and Junaid Khan stand at 6 points each with some good and some mediocre performances, followed by Abdul Rehman and Imran Farhat at 5. Both Abdul Razzaq (batting average 15) and Shoaib Malik (batting average 6) had a disastrous year with the bat and did not contribute much with the bat. Wahab Riaz, despite bowling well during the world cup, could not contribute much after that due to selection issues.

An honorable mention goes to a certain Shoaib Akhtar who took only 5 wickets during the world cup but bowled his heart out.

Abaya: The Art & Heritage

2011-12-27T15:47:00.001+04:00

Abayas? Culture? Tradition or a Fashion Statement? the Evolution

The Night BB Was Killed

2011-12-25T22:07:00.000+04:00

“Benazir Bhutto has been killed!”

I got this SMS on my cell and I initially laughed it off. But then my phone started ringing ferociously.

It was already a chaotic night for the family. My father had had an attack of GB Syndrome the night before, which was my sister’s wedding night. I had to rush to Liaqat National Hospital (LNH) near leaving the family at the wedding. I was leaving the car park to drop my wife at my in-laws’ who live near Mashriq Center. Those who live in Karachi or are familiar with it, would know that it takes less than ten minutes to reach Mashriq Center from LNH under normal circumstances.

However, the circumstances were not normal on 27^th December 2007.

The Daughter of East had been killed. Chairperson of the largest political party in the country. The turmoil was about to begin and how bad it could get was anyone’s guess.

I quickly drove out of LNH to drop my wife off. It took me around half an hour to reach Mashriq Center as the traffic had gone crazy. Cars were moving left right and center amidst all sorts of rumors. I had to return to the hospital immediately to attend to my father. Panic had sunk in and everyone was running for his life. The traffic coming from National stadium towards Hassan Square had blocked both sides of the road. There was no way to go back to Stadium side from Hassan Square. Traffic grew noisier, agitation and worries on the faces of common men became more obvious.

Then there was some firing sounds heard in the background. That made things worse. Passengers from mini buses started walking, rather running. Car owners did not have a choice so they stayed inside their cars. Some volunteers started managing the traffic and somehow or the other it started moving. It took me over an hour and a half to cover the distance ten minutes. I saw people leaving their cars on the road and walking away. I saw women with children running on the streets.

Every face was asking the same question… “What will happen now?”

Scenes inside the hospital were not really different. Those who were in the hospital to see their relatives were stuck inside. Food and tea in the cafeteria finished. Benches were occupied and people lied down on the cold floor without anything that could keep them warm. Loud sirens of ambulances did not let anyone sleep. Victims of riots were being brought in every minute.

I went to the ‘Emergency’ and it was in a big mess. Not enough doctors to handle the injured coming in. Almost like the scenes after a major bomb blast. I donated blood but I am sure it was not going to be enough. The need was much more than the donors available.

Suddenly there was more noise and chaos. Someone screamed that the rioters were trying to enter the hospital. More panic. Everyone got up with quizzical looks and dread in the eyes. Then someone else confirmed that the gates of hospital were closed. Things settled down a bit.

I called my sister. She was stuck in Gulistan-e-Jauhar with her husband and 2 year old son on their bike. They kept looking for a place to hide and eventually reached a masjid; in fact an Imaam Baargah. The Imaam Baargah had an entry policy though. Only women and children were allowed to hide inside. A fair policy because they could not be sure whether the men coming inside were unarmed or not. Luckily for my sister and hundreds of other women inside, the Imam Baargah custodians did not ask them whether they were Sunnis or Shias.

I called my maternal uncle who was driving from Hub to Karachi and had to cross a couple of Goths and Lyari. He reported fire and mobs all around. He hid his car off-road to save his life.

Slowly the chaos settled down only after taking away so much from Karachiites and rest of the country. I came out of the hospital at around four in the morning and drove to my home in North Nazimabad. I crossed burned tyres, scorched vehicles, shattered glasses and other signs of a calamity. I crossed burned hopes, scorched ideology and shattered dreams of a city. The city was mourning even at the break of a new dawn. The city was mourning the loss of hundred lives along with the life of the departed national leader.

My story is one of the hundreds stories of that night and probably not even a tearful one. I am sure there are more stories out there which can bring more guilt to all of us.

27^th December 2007 was a cold night. It became cold-blooded when some people took the opportunity to go on a killing and looting spree. The nation lost one leader and thousands of lives in its aftermath. 27^th December 2007 somehow passed but there is no guarantee that there will be no more such nights. Protesting and mourning is everyone’s right but we have a different method to our mourning and protests. Sadly, it brings more and more mourning to us as individuals and as a nation.

Things I Learned From MI4

2011-12-16T14:18:00.001+04:00

In one weak moment, I decided to watch Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol. Yes, I did. Purely on peer pressure despite not being a fan of MI3 and not having watched MI1 and 2. I’m glad I watched MI4 though for it has taught me a few of life’s most unforgettable lessons. Here is a list of things I learned from MI4 (in order of appearance).

PS: May contain spoilers.

American agents can plant/overtake surveillance cameras inside extremely high security Russian prisons, control their electronic lock systems and execute an escape of a high profile agent like a walk in the park.

The picture of the lady killing you will appear on the wallpaper of your iPhone as Assassin.jpg.

There is a server in a room on 129^th floor of Burj Khalifa which has a code. Safety of USA depends on that code. This information is available in Russia. The only way to reach that server room is by climbing on the Burj walls wearing magic gloves. (The Burj Khalifa stunt lasted shorter than Kim Kardashian’s marriage, by the way)

Dubai still has herds of camels walking on the highways.

If you break multiple windows of the world’s tallest building, climb on it casually; throw people out of its windows, plant cameras in its hotel rooms, shoot enemies on its escalators etc., Dubai Police will never show up. (Warning: don’t try that at home)

Dubai can have sudden sand storms coming from the beach side (yes, Sand storm from the beach side) as tall as Burj Khalifa.

When you run out of Burj Khalifa in a sand storm, you end up running in an old traditional Arab town straight from Arabian nights.

You can chase your enemies in a BMW coupe which hits other cars at high speed without getting a scratch on it until crashing at a bridge. You can still lose your enemy though, who escapes in an Isuzu pickup truck.

Russians can fire nuclear missiles on America from India. Missile codes are safe with perverted Indians. (And even talented Actors like Anil Kapoor can accept roles of Shakti Kapoor style just to appear in a Hollywood film for 5 minutes)

Anyone can get access to extremely high end parties in Mumbai. The kind of parties where waiters carry cell phone in trays.

Mumbai has better roads and sexier cars than Dubai. UAE is third world in front of India. (Don’t be surprised if you hear of Sheikh’s looking for jobs in India)

There are more BMWs in the world than sheep in New Zealand.

After an electricity breakdown, a server takes less than one second to completely reboot and function properly. It doesn’t require any restart authentication even if it’s about stopping nuclear missiles.

Only one second before hitting the target, if a button is pressed in India, the nuclear missile targeted at San Francisco softly hits a building and falls in water without making noise.

Secret agents cannot meet their wives but they can wave at them from a distance.

No matter how yummy Nachos and Salsa sauce are, if the movie is crap, you should get a refund.

The Dirty Picture - Movie Review

2011-12-03T13:37:00.003+04:00

Some people watch a movie for its elegance, good acting and high production values. Others watch movies for their sleaziness, skin display and controversy. How often do you get both the sides leaving the theater satisfied thinking that they got a great value for money? Milan Luthria presents The Dirty Picture. In the words of Silk Smitha, a film works for three reasons; Entertainment, Entertainment, Entertainment… And The Dirty Picture is entertainment. However, it’s a movie for Adult audience who can take the kind of humor and exposure it has to offer.

The Dirty Picture (DP) is story of a South Indian actress Reshma, popularly known as Silk. Rajat Arora’s script keeps flirting with glamour of showbiz and the bitter realities faced by a girl running away from her house to become an actress. To the extent where she eats only a spoonful of sugar once a day as her meal. It exposes how despite criticizing the amount of exposing on cinema; the masses actually enjoy the skin show and that sex sells. The story is a rather predictable tale of rise and fall of a female actor and whatever happens in between, however, it’s the treatment and performances that make DP a thoroughly enjoyable watch for lovers of almost all genres. There are two more things that make DP stand ahead of other recent films. First is the outstanding background score. From the evergreen Naka Mukka to the entertaining ‘Ooh Lala’ use in the background along with the SFX, background music is simply superb. Secondly, the fiery dialogues are probably the best thing in the entire film. One jewel after another. So much so that you cannot even keep count on them. Here are some of the gems:

Sala public kahin aur khujana chahti hai aur tu unhein damagh khujanay ko keh raha hai.
Phal agar bara hai tou zaroori nahin hai ke meetha bhi ho.
Main 500 larkion ke saath tuning kar chuka hoon. Kya aap ne kabhi aik larki ke saath 500 baar tuning ki hai?
Jawani taste karnay ke liye hoti hai waste karnay ke liye nahin.
Jab devi saamne ho tou mandir ke darshan kaun karay.

Bobby Singh’s cinematography is first rate. His best work to date even though he was an unexpected choice. When you have to show sleaze and skin, it’s a tough job to still stay classy and Bobby Singh does exactly that. Especially the way Vidya’s being overweight has been shown is remarkable.

DP is loaded with powerful performances. It’s not very easy to find Emran Hashmi in a bearable role. I don’t know why a talented actor like his keeps wasting himself in his serial kisser movies. It was once again Milan Luthria after Once Upon A Time in Mumbai (OUATIM) who took out the best in him. Tushaar too is bearable. Can you believe that? Every single supporting character has done a fabulous job. Rajesh Sharma in another major role after No One Killed Jessica (NOKJ). Navin Gothi, the actor playing Vidya’s lucky charm and the director who first kick Vidya out of his set are especially very good. Arya Banerjee makes her presence felt as a new-comer Shakila. Vikas Shrivastav as casting director who sends Vidya out with a 5 rupees bill and Sarang Sathaye as choreographer George who gives Vidya her first song are noticeable in their cameos.

And then comes Naseer Uddin Shah. Who else could have done a better job than NS as the ageing malicious actor? He gets into the skin of the character of Surya and does a splendid job of it. Despicable and convincing.

And last but not the least is Vidya Balan. What a powerhouse of an actress. She started the year with NOKJ and has ended it with The Dirty Picture. Totally contrasting roles. In one she was a nerdy homegrown nonentity and in the other she is the sex symbol of the industry calling herself Entertainment and boy, how she excels in both the roles. Watch out for her award ceremony speech, her early scenes with Naseer and the climax. Easily the best female lead performance in 2011. Filmfare worthy material.

The real hero of DP is Milan Luthria. How far has he come from Kachhe Dhaage days? If he was very good in OUATIM, he is even better in DP. Complete grip on the screenplay, taking out the best from the actors no matter how small their roles is, creating an 80s atmosphere still looking totally different from Om Shanti Om and Action Replay, this is a director how is in command. This makes the sequel of OUATIM the most anticipated movie of 2012 as far as I am concerned.

The Dirty Picture hardly has a dull moment. It does get a bit slow when it goes to the soft side of Vidya and Emran, however, that too remains an integral part of the storyline. Do keep in mind the 18+ rating of the film before going to the theaters and keep the expectations on those lines. If you do, you are up for a treat.

And Then There Was Blood!

2011-12-01T22:49:00.003+04:00

The moment I saw the Dubai Blood Donation Center kiosk, I decided that I had to donate blood. I was casually walking in the Ibn Batuta Mall with a friend when I saw their kiosk. A couple of girls sat behind the desk with hundreds of forms while a couple of guys walked around asking people to volunteer for blood donation.

My friend who had his daughter with him chose to stay out as he had to look after his kid. I walked towards the desk where the females were sitting. They were busy with other donors asking different questions and filling out the forms as I waited for my turn.

In a few minutes, the man ahead of me was done and my turn came.

“I want to donate blood.” I smiled.

“That’s why we are here, sir.” She smiled back. “Please give me some details about yourself before we take blood from you.”

I started answering her questions and she frantically kept writing on the form.

Name… age… blood group… any medical condition… and then came an unexpected question.

“Have you been to any of these places in the last two months?” She asked. “Pakistan?”

“Yes.” I paused for a second before answering. “I was there a month back.”

“Sorry, sir. We cannot take your blood.”

“Excuse me?” I was shocked.

“We cannot take your blood sir. Pakistan is in the list of non-approved dangerous countries.”

“I am standing in front of you. I look healthy and I can assure you I am healthy. I am running around and all and millions of people living in Pakistan are healthy and donating blood every day to the needy.”

“It’s a policy issue, sir. We cannot take blood from you.”

“When someone donates blood, you don’t put in another body without testing it right? You can take my blood and check it.”

“I’m sorry, sir. Now, please excuse me. Other people are waiting.”

I stood there motionless for some time. Discussion was closed. Pakistani blood is filthy and dangerous. I walked away from the kiosk, shoulders dropped down and walking slowly.

Once again, my identity had failed me.

Saudi said ‘You Bakistani You No Good’ and denied me the driving license.

Greek Said ‘You Look Like a Terrorist’ and denied me the visa.

But at both the times, I wanted something from them. This time I wanted to give them something and I was told that my blood was not good enough.

When I came back from the blood donation kiosk, her words kept echoing in my mind. I sat down on the World Wide Web to understand the reasons for that ‘bloody discrimination’ and I discovered that it boiled down to Malaria. There is an entire list of Malaria affected countries, the residents of which, as per the New York Blood Center’s issued Malaria Map, carry ‘risky’ blood.

If I put my victimized patriotic sentiments aside, to an extent it could be acceptable but there are a couple of questions that my mind fails to answer. For one, the lady at the kiosk should have been equipped with necessary information about why Pakistani blood could not be accepted and should have handled the matter with more earnestness and courtesy. Why she did not have the correct information, is beyond me.

I am not a doctor. I don’t have the technical details of what, how and why, but I need to understand why when I go to Pakistan and donate blood, the same blood will be accepted without any concerns. How this blood which has a malaria risk in one country becomes totally safe in another? Are the humans different? Or less important therefore can live with the blood even if it contains the risk of malaria? Why does this not apply USA with 1.2 million people carrying HIV in their blood? Or Italy where 140,000 people have AIDS? Why is it not based on an individual’s blood and the contamination in it, if any?

I am but an ordinary man from an ordinary country facing extraordinary circumstances. I am extra-sensitive and generally believe that the world is out there conspiring against me and my country. When I am stopped from making a small contribution to the world, I get agitated. When my blood is refused without giving me any proper explanation, I do get frustrated. What she forgot and I remember is a fact in the words of Sahir Ludhyanvi…

Khoon Phir Khoon Hai Tapkay Ga Tou Jam Jaaye Ga

Zulm Phir Zulm Hai Barhta Hai Tou Mit Jaata Hai

Best Travel Blog

2011-11-22T15:14:00.001+04:00

I have been nominated in the 'Best Travel Blog' category in the 2nd Annual Pakistan Bloggers Award

If i win, I will give everyone access to clean water, finish corruption, improve education standards and level of foreign investments. this applies to Pakistan and everywhere i have traveled.

Here is the link to vote

http://pakistanblogawards.com/2011/11/16/best-travel-blog-sami-saayer-2/

and this is a visual description of how to vote.

The Ugly Ducklings of Bollywood

2011-11-15T18:38:00.000+04:00

Schools in Dubai have an interesting policy. Some schools only give admission to the kids whose elder siblings are already studying in that school. Similar is the story of Bollywood. If an elder sibling is already a part of the inner circles of Bollywood and is successful, chances are that other siblings get entry rather easily. The likes of a Kareena Kapoor following the success of Karisma Kapoor in style are less and for that you have to be a Kapoor. More often than not, you end up becoming one of the mega failures mentioned in the list below.

Here are top ten not-so-popular siblings of popular successful bollywood stars.

10. Shamita Shetty

You know something is wrong somewhere when you make your debut with Yash Raj in a mega project like Mohabbatein with SRK and Amitabh Bachan and then don’t get another film for two years and even after two years, all you get is ‘Sharara Sharara’ and another item number in ‘Saathiya’. You know something is worse when your ‘infamous’ photo with a Bhatt is more popular than your acting skills. Luckily, your elder sister herself does not have much to her credit except for an arguably perfect figure and a Big Brother UK win. While the elder sister is now running a restaurant business and judging reality shows, younger sister is looking for a career in interior design. Hopefully, the interior designs will not be as disappointing as her career in bollywood.

Successful Sibling Success Index: 55%

Failure Index: 70%

Failure Rating: 63%

9. Ashmit Patel

You get a hit with Murder in your early career, you see the graph of co-actors Emraan Hashmi and Mallika Sherawat go up and yours go down. You try the serial kisser approach to Emraan but unfortunately you miscalculate it and do that off-screen and get caught in an MMS. You don’t think that’s enough and try your hands at being an Assistant Director and end up making films like Aaawa Paagal Deewana and Aap Mujhay Achay Lagne Lagay which turn out to be as bad as your acting. You don’t give up and give Pakistani actresses a shot. Your Meera Ji stunt fails but Veena Ji stunt turns out to be quite popular among Pakistanis. What goes wrong in the whole process is that people forget that you actually once were an actor. In words of your own Veena… “Ashmit ji… ye kya baat huee?”

Successful Sibling Success Index: 55%

Failure Index: 75%

Failure Rating: 65%

8. Esha Deol

You are a Deol for heaven’s sake. You are the daughter of Veeru and Basanti, Dammit. You don’t just have a sibling responsibility; you have a daughter’s responsibility too. We understand that ‘Deol Can’t Danace Sala’ but why would you not care and put some effort into acting? Just thank your stars for Dhoom and No Entry, although the credit still goes to several other factors in success of those films. How many launches and re-launches have you had and you still end up making films like Shadi No. 1, Ankahee and Money Hai Tou Honey Hai. And then came your yet another relaunch this time by your own mother Basanti. Its title should have been ‘Don’t Tell Me O Easha’ instead of Tell Me O Khuda. Now before I get hit by that ‘Dhaai Kilo Ka Haath’, I better buzz off.

Successful Sibling Success Index: 65%

Failure Index: 70%

Failure Rating: 68%

7. Rinky Khanna

You are the daughter of Kaka and Dimple. That makes a picturesque pairing, doesn’t it? You get the best debut popular award too like Esha Deol but then you decide to follow her on other things too. Your sister (who is quite pretty by the way) has a unique record of giving flops with both Aamir and Shahrukh. While your sister plays wise and ends up marrying the jackpot, you also tie the knot just in time seeing that your career was going nowhere. To be fair, your films were not all that bad but lacked success factor and were so ineffective that I am struggling to write anything about you. Hope you are having a nice married life, Khushi.

Successful Sibling Success Index: 60%

Failure Index: 80%

Failure Rating: 70%

6. Siddharth Koirala

Your wiki page says you are a film actor. That’s fine but when we look at your films that claim sounds too tall. How can someone with films like Paisa Wasool, Fun and Dekh Bhai Dekh be called an actor. At best you should be called a wannabe actor. Your sister, at one point, the best actress in the industry with three Filmfare awards to her credit and movies like Bombay, Company, Khamoshi and Agni Sakshi but where is she now? Your grand father and both uncles have been Prime Ministers of Nepal. Try your luck in politics maybe?

Successful Sibling Success Index: 70%

Failure Index: 75%

Failure Rating: 73%

5. Sanjay Kapoor

The biggest achievement of your life is marrying Maheep Sandhu. She was quite a hottie at some point. However, your producer brother and actor brother both could not do anything about your career because your acting skills were as good as my cat’s barking skills. Your Prem did not get any prem from the audience just like so many other movies of yours. Raja worked but you had nothing to do with it. It was all Madhuri effect and it’s popularly known as Rani among the educated ones. Are you sure you were not adopted? Because Anil has 6 Filmfare awards to his name and movies you can’t even imagine.

Successful Sibling Success Index: 80%

Failure Index: 70%

Failure Rating: 75%

4. Sohail Khan

Congratulations. You have won the award for The Most Irritating Khan in the industry. Have you tried singing? No? Why not? You have tried acting and writing and you suck at them so why not singing? I recently watched a movie of yours called Hello and I was like HELLLOOO? You were there in a movie called Do Knot Disturb then why did you disturb us with your acting? The only thing you were decent at was direction but you have already quit that field for acting. That’s just awesome. Exactly how many more lousy performances before you decide to call it quits? Fortunately, your brother really cares for you or else.

Successful Sibling Success Index: 90%

Failure Index: 70%

Failure Rating: 80%

3. Tanisha Mukherjee

FML for I saw Neal and Nikki. Kill me. The worst possible excuse of a movie. Your skin show was as horrible as your acting. You are niece of Nutan and Kajol’s sister for God’s sake. Nutan has as many Filmfare Awards as your number of films; eleven. Even your elder sister has 5 Filmfare awards but what was wrong with you? Look, there are several stars whose siblings were not good at acting. They decided to stay away from film line and made a name for themselves in something they were good at. Why on earth did you not do the same?

Successful Sibling Success Index: 85%

Failure Index: 85%

Failure Rating: 85%

2. Uday Chopra

If we ever make a battalion of disappointing star children/siblings, you will be given the command of that force, yes you are that damned good. To set the premise, do you know Yash Chopra? He is your dad. He has made Amitabh Bachan and SRK. Do you know Aditya Chopra? He is your brother. The most powerful man in the industry right now. He created DDLJ. If those guys can do that for the others and they launched you too, did you ever ask them why could they not do that for you? I’m sure you did and that’s why they gave you a shot at everything. Film after film and then even production and writing with ‘Pyar Impossible’ watching which was also impossible. Now dude, stick to Dhoom franchise and do not disturb otherwise. It has been speculated that you are now focusing on film direction studying for it at UCLA? God help us.

Successful Sibling Success Index: 95%

Failure Index: 85%

Failure Rating: 90%

1. Faisal Khan

The world could not see drastically opposite talent under one roof. Born just one year after Aamir Khan, you should be publicly lynched for your acting in Mela and Madhosh. You were so bad that your own family decided not to give you a chance again. If only you were Salman Khan’s brother, you would have worked in many more films but Aamir Khan is (thankfully) different from Salman and has put some mercy on public. There is a bit of your fault in that too though. What were you thinking when you sent threatening letters to Aamir 7 years back?

Successful Sibling Success Index: 100%

Failure Index: 100%

Failure Rating: 100%

Rockstar Movie Review

2011-11-11T04:39:00.001+04:00

Welcome to the Imtiaz Ali brand of Hindi cinema; recall Jab We Met and Love Aajkal… Entertainment which is high on aesthetics and drama which is full of emotions and love. Enter Ranbir Kapoor, the most gifted young star with solo hits and excellent track record; recall Raajneeti, Wake up Sid and Rocket Singh. Add to it Nargis Fakhri, an attractive and fresh foreign face and recall the success of Katrina Kaif and Giselle Montiero. Add to this the last appearance of Shammi Kapoor and fantastic music of A.R.Rehman… you book the tickets in advance, buy pop corn and enter the theater with very high expectations.

Rockstar is the story of Jordan or JJ, a small time singer who wants to make it big on the rock music scene and his love story with Heer, the classy girl from the same college. It’s a tenderly told anecdote of complexities of human nature and its frailties when it comes to choosing between wrong and right or love and celebrity. Interestingly, at no point, unlike other love stories, Imtiaz wants the audience to portray high moral values of the lead pair. In fact, they have imperfect personalities resulting into a flawed relationship with no possible explanation and that’s what makes the whole deal realistic. It is packed with some power house performances by the lead characters and some beautifully crafted scenes like the one where Jordan leaves his contracts and is found sitting among prostitutes in a red light area singing to them and says that’s what he always wanted. One of the strongest points of the film is the fact that music has been artistically entrenched in the story and last but not the least, humor is genuine and amusing.

But the question still remains; does it deliver as per the expectations? And the answer is no. Mainly, because it’s fiction and fiction demands more logic than reality, biographies or documentaries. The treatment, despite being poetic and beautiful, keeps the focus on one person’s personality, making it look like a true story of a real life character which its not. At several points Imtiaz Ali deviates from logic in favor of creative license granting which varies from genre to genre. Ra.One loving audience would give more margins than Love Aaj Kal loving audience. Imtiaz develops the character of JJ with utmost detail and sincerity but falters a couple of times in framing his career path and his rise. While first 45 minutes of the film are fast and eventful, it starts becoming slower as it progresses and the second half hardly moves the story. Also, the pair’s reunion scenes leave much to be desired.

Imtiaz Ali’s experiment with Nargis Fakhri also falls flat. Nargis has serious dialogue delivery issues and goes over the top on quite a few occasions which are not Imtiaz Ali film traits. Her age, she is almost 33, also shows when she is playing a college student etc. Female lead of the film being bad can be perilous, however, the rise of the inexplicably charming Aditi Rao Hyadri in supporting cast saves the female side of the show. She is natural, beautiful and has excellent screen presence. All the more reason to look for her pairing with Ali Zafar in London, Paris, New York as her next. Piyush Mishra does an incredible job as you would expect from a man of his talent. Other supporting cast is also very good, especially Kumud Mishra as JJ’s agent. Shammi Kapoor is in a brief role but is unforgettable. Graceful, respectable and heart warming. Very convincing indeed.

The film totally belongs to Ranbir. What an absolutely wonderful performance. Just a couple of years in the industry and he is already in a league of his own, much ahead of Imran or others. I hate to admit that he is even better than my personal favorite Shahid Kapoor and his results are also showing the same. It was a complex role but the ease with which Ranbir has carried it can give Aamir Khan run for his money. The image and persona of a rock star fit Ranbir perfectly and he pulled off the attitude and music in style. Champion, I’d say. Impressive.

One more impressive unit member is Anil Mehta behind the lens. Fantastic camera work from the veteran. He has bettered his previous best Lagaan and HDDS by a huge margin. Light treatments in on-stage performance scenes is remarkable. Close-ups are detail oriented.

Imtiaz Ali the writer has written beautiful character sketches but hasn’t left much in the story. Several ends remain open when the movie finishes. It appears as if he had a much more vivid picture of the script in his mind than he was able to tell the audience. As a director, he has handled the film with sensitivity and understanding but leaves the screenplay loose. He does get out best performances from his team but probably deliberately, gives a bit of a documentary touch to the film in the middle hour. Duration could also be shortened by 15 minutes or so. Alternatively, that time could have been used to give a view of Nargis’s background or history which was virtually absent in the first half. There are weaknesses in how he handles the medical issues lead characters face.

Despite the points mentioned above, it still is a beautiful film and worth a watch. In most likelihood, it’s the kind of film that will grow on the audience in multiple watches and has in it to become a long run cult classic. On a stand alone basis, its much better than several films produced this year, however, if you ask the questions like is it as good as Love AajKal or Jab We Met, definitely not as those were very universal movies and this will suit select audience. From Imtiaz’s perspective, its more like his directorial debut film Socha Na Tha which despite being a beautiful film, lacked the excitement. Imtiaz’s next should be a step further not backward.

Amir... You Deserved It!

2011-11-05T20:36:00.002+04:00

By the time this is published, Amir, you would have spent your first night at the Feltham prison with some other criminals of your age. How did it go? Did you sleep? How did the other criminals treat you?

Yes, Criminals… for you committed a grave sin of betraying your nation and cheating the sport of the devout. Yes, you should be reprimanded because the nation you belong to has very low tolerance for crime and corruption. We Pakistanis have a strong and commendable track record of tackling corruption and punishing the criminals. Not too long ago, in Sialkot, we killed two brothers who were criminals and very often we burn the dacoits who try to rob anyone. Yes, we do take crime and punishment seriously. And your biggest sin was to do all that in the UK. UK is pretty strict on crime. So what if they give political asylums to Altaf Hussain and the likes of him despite that they are proven criminals, murderers and goons. You just cannot mess with the UK Law.

And we have every right to curse you, call for your public execution, burn your effigies and posters, make jokes about you, call you names on media etc. because we have never been involved in abuse of power, or minutest level of corruption or cheating on the expectations of others. For example, we have never watched pirated videos, never used our ‘sources’ to get a job or a visa or a passport or a driving license or admission in a business school. We have never had a ‘muk muka’ with traffic police. We have every right to call you a criminal. And to hell with your confession. You think it was a gutsy move? We all are known for accepting our mistakes, if only we make any. Don’t even think that you did something grand by confessing.

We don’t really care if you ran in enthusiastically to bowl every single ball you delivered in your career barring those no balls. We don’t care that even in that very game you took 6 wickets and celebrated like an ecstatic child. We don’t even remember your last wicket heroics against the Kiwis where you almost won us a game we so desperately wanted to lose. The other clean players in that match wanted to lose so that the captain could be changed but you were the stupid one to continue the fight. So basically, we don’t care that you brought us joy and excitement thousand times because you bowled two no-balls.

And the game of the devout, betraying which you are guilty of, is also the cleanest in the world of sports. Indian Premier League is the prime example of Cricket being a clean sport. Sharjah cricket and ICL were as transparent as any sport can get. And you are not even the first one to go to jail either. Gibbs, Warne, Mark Waugh, Malik, Ata-ur-Rehman, Cronje, Samuels… they all went to prisons. After all, they compromised on sanctity of the game. The only difference is that they were much younger, naïve and immature than you are and had far less exposure to money, authorities’ pressure and match-fixing mafia. Doesn’t matter if you have been banned for five years by the governing body of the sport… it’s not a sports issue. It’s a bloody crime. You can’t deny that every single sportsman previously held for a positive dope test or use of banned substance has gone to prison be it Shane Warne or Maradona.

And you cannot say that you had no support. PCB and the Pakistan government were with you all the way through. They helped you understand the match-fixing system and provided you all the necessary equipment to handle underworld behind spot fixing. What do Michael Atherton and Judge Cook know if they say your family received threats so that you could keep your mouth shut? PCB knows that no such thing happened. PCB and Cricketing authorities did everything possible to protect the best thing that happened to Cricket lately i.e. its brightest young player. Oh yes, Judge Cook agreed that for a vulnerable youngster, not long in the team, to stand out against the blandishments of his captain would have been hard. PCB and ICC very well understand the mitigating circumstances like your captain trying to corrupt you or your humble background or the threatening influence which you chose not to reveal. In all likelihood, that was all a lie and stories you fabricated.

The fact that you have been sent to Feltham makes it all the more significant. In a few days, skinheads and drug addicts will throw racial slurs at you, will call you a ‘Paki Cheat’, will ridicule you and you will benefit from it and it will do wonders for your self-esteem. You will learn your lessons and come out of the prison a man more learned and more schooled like everyone coming out of Feltham is. You will gain a lot from this imprisonment; therefore, you must take it as a favor from UK Law and PCB and thank them. Feltham is a great place anyway, known for its congenial environment and sociable crowd.

Now that it’s all said and done, when you will serve your three punishments; the prison sentence, the 9,000 pounds fine and ICC’s 5 year ban, we will see if you can be taken back by cricket and the nation. As I said earlier, we have very high moral values which don’t usually welcome crooks back but let’s see. As of now, you weren’t really good enough to be in the team in the first place and totally deserved what you got.

Mausam (Movie Review)

2011-09-23T14:29:00.002+04:00

I have mentioned it before that I have a positive bias towards every Shahid Kapoor film because of the honest effort he makes to make his films work. And what is it that Mausam did not offer? Shahid’s new look, promising storyline, fresh pairing of Shahid-Sonam and Pankaj Kapur’s directorial debut. Based on these factors, the hype and anticipation for Mausam were genuine.

To start with, the basic premise of the movie is phenomenal. A poignant so-near-yet-so-far kind of love story in the setting of historical events that defined lives of Muslims and Sikhs living in India and their effects of the protagonists. A gutsy and original concept. However, films are not made on concepts, they need stories and screenplays and unless they are Salman Khan and Akshay Kumar no-brainers, they need connections between events and sequences. That’s where the shortcomings of Mausam start becoming obvious. It’s a kind of film about which you want to say positive things, however, there is a BUT attached to every good thing about the movie.

The first thing you notice in the first hour is the appreciable detail to wardrobe and excellent art direction. The very real locations of Punjab add a touch of authenticity to the scenes. But Mausam is a long film and has a painfully slow pace. Sequences are long even though shot artistically. Sardar Ji scenes are funny but mostly the humor is too decent (read a bit childish). Shahid’s Punjabi isn’t all that great but his friends are genuine. It’s the transition from first season to the second where the problems begin and creative liberty overpowers logic. From then onwards, the film continuously goes up and down on likeability factor, less up and more down.

Start of the second half is pacier than the first but it slows down again. And then comes the climax. When the climax begins, it starts to appear as if Pankaj Kapur will redeem himself for everything mistake he had made in the film, but, as usual, he goes so over-the-top in depicting heroism that he makes things a bit comical. It was sad to see the audience making fun of the film and laughing on serious scenes because the hard work put behind the film has gone wasted.

I believe that film-making is pretty much like flying where more than the flight, landing and take-off are important. Pankaj Kapur, the filmmaker, knows how to fly but messes up in take-off and landing. Pankaj Kapur has a long way to go as a story-teller. Shorter as a director but longer as a writer. There comes a time when the logic of using internet or mobile phones as contact devices loses out to dependence on coincidences. The audience loses count of seasons and years and so does the director when he mixes-up dates and also makes errors like Shahid mentioning his mother was killed in Sikh Riots of 84 when he was 1 year old whereas in 91, he was 20. Oh and by the way, the Britishers used for Shahid’s sister’s wedding were as British as our friends in Bangladesh.

Performances wise, it’s out and out a Shahid Kapoor film. This is his best performance of his career surpassing even my personal favorites Kaminey and Jab We Met. Great energy as a young happy-go-lucky Punjabi boy, fantastic authenticity in demeanor as an Air Force officer and maturity of an ageing man. He also carried well the part where his misfortune results in physical disability. Pre-climax scene, Switzerland train scene and train scene with Rajjo are classics. Excellent performance, which probably will go unnoticed.

First decent performance by Sonam in her career but she still was not the best choice for this role. It was a pretty demanding character which needed a much established actor rather than a pretty face. The most interesting character of the film was Rajjo, played very well by the Telugu actress Aditi Sharma. She carried off the helpless negativity in her role very well. Supriya Pathak was also very good. Anupam Kher was totally wasted. Looks more like an editing cut of the character. Shahid’s brother-in-law is the weakest link in the entire cast.

Overall, Mausam is a film that misses more targets than it hits which is very unfortunate because with its artistry, it had the potential of becoming a piece of classic cinema. If you are a diehard Shahid Kapoor fan, you should still try it. If not, wait for Ra.One.

Top Ten Villains In Bollywood History

2011-09-13T03:01:00.003+04:00

Villain: noun \ˈvi-lən\ - a deliberate scoundrel or criminal

In the words of Khalnayak, in every drama of life, there is a hero and there is a villain. This statement holds pretty much true except for the goody goody Karan Johar and Sooraj Barjatya type dramas of life where everyone is nauseatingly sweet and a walking talking advertisement of diabetes. This post is a tribute to the bad men among the good protagonists in the history of Bollywood. Those bad men who left bigger marks than many good ones. Here is a list of top ten most dynamic villains Indian film industry has ever seen.

10. Roshi Mahanta (Khal Nayak)

What's better than starting the list of villains with the namesake of your wife? Played by Pramod Muthu, Roshi Mahanta is somewhere between the evil looking and decent looking villains. He is fabulous enough to make a fool out of the big tough guy Sanju and present him as the villain while he is the actual bad man in the film. The evil genius keeps brainwashing Sanju to the extent that he even hits his own mother. His avatar of bald head with rimless glasses was also unique for that time.

Character conceived by: Subash Ghai

Tagline: Hota hai… Chalta hai… Dunya hai…

9. Maharani (Sadak)

Another unique villain. Or should I say villainess. The first of its kind trans-gender villain in the Bollywood. That too projected as a cruel, heartless brothel madam. Does it get worse than that? He/she is involved in human trafficking. A few of his aides are also trans-genders. He has girls putting nail polish on his feet nails. He wears bangles and jewelry. Repulsive to look at and evil in nature.

Character conceived by: Mahesh Bhatt

Tagline: Main aadha mard hoon aur aadhi aurat

8. Captain Russell (Lagaan)

A cricketing villain… pretty much like ICC of current time. He is different because he is the only villain in this list who does not end up killing anyone. His intentions, though, were to kill an entire village by robbing them of their trifling wealth in the form of tax. Played by Paul Blackthorn, Russell forces unruly double tax upon the poor villagers only because his ego is hurt. He is a sore loser and cannot take defeat even when he has higher chances of winning. He buys out one of the opposition players, does not show sportsman spirit and runs a kid out and also kicks the ball to the boundary when he wants to avoid a single run. He wants to win at any cost. Of course, he doesn’t.

Character conceived by: Ashutosh Gowarikar

Tagline: Ab tumehin dugna lagan dena hoga

7. Doctor Dang (Karma)

Epitome of coolness. Played by very aptly chosen Anupam Kher, Doctor Dang is pinnacle of villainous dialogue and threats. He wants to spread terrorism and kill people but somehow gets caught by Jailor Rana who slaps him. Big mistake. You don’t slap guys like Doctor Dang. In return, Doctor Dang takes care of the entire Rana family and Rana has to revert to other crooks to avenge DD. DD also has a sophisticated doctor look with a bit over the top beard. Filmfare worthy performance.

Character conceived by: Subash Ghai

Tagline: Is thappar ki goonj tumhein yaad rahay gi Rana

6. Bukka Reddy (Rakht Charitra)

Abhimanyu Singh as Bukka Reddy is one of the most terrifying villains ever seen in the Hindi films. He really is scary. Even though he gets a bit comical at times with his choice of wardrobe (which means nothing but shorts) but he does emanate cruelty. Killer, rapist, extortionist and what not, this guy finds unbelievably gory ways if killing that can put SAW to shame. He shows numerous methods of torture and killings for retribution and in politics with different weapons, drawing different levels of pain and blood. He surprises you when he cries but the way he treats the lady police officer sends shivers through your body.

Character conceived by: Ram Gopal Verma

Tagline: No tagline… just pure killing.

5. Lajja Shankar (Sangharsh)

Dr. Hannibal Lectar meets Bollywood in a bizarre way. Ashutosh Rana’s Lajja Shankar wants to become immortal even if it means sacrificing children to the devil and for that is on the abduction spree. He was genuinely terrifying and 100% pure delicious psycho, an entire horror movie contained within one character. This performance won him Filmfare award for best villain. His role in Dushman was also quite similar in treatment but on a personal level, I believe this performance takes him one step ahead of Dushman.

Character conceived by: Mahesh Bhatt

Tagline: Main Insaan Nahin Hoon…

4. Loin (Kalicharan)

Third villain in the list by Subhash Ghai after Roshi Mahanta and Doctor Dang. Seems like Ghai has a special knack for creating negative characters. This was and still is a trend-changing character. Ajit stole the show with this performance. His voice and style of saying LOIN is still imitated in numerous movies and comedies. Stylishly dressed in suits, glasses and with a cigar, LOIN had three hobbies… Sona, Mona aur Mona Ke saath Sona. Even his aides Michael and Robert became ever so popular because of his style.

Character conceived by: Subash Ghai

Tagline: Sara Sheher Mujhay Koin Ke Naam Se Janta Hai

3. Narsimha (Shakti)

Absolutely fantastic. Nana Patekar is probably the best role of his life. Even better than Anna Bhai of Parinda. Amazing body language and expression of stubbornness under the given circumstances. He kills because he has to. He has no other option. That’s the only form of living he knows. He has to kill in order to protect thousands of people who follow him. He will do so even if it means abducting his own grandson and daughter-in-law after his son has been killed. His uncouth mannerisms suit him to the hilt and he's shown his versatility once again with this role.

Character conceived by: Krishna Vamshi

Tagline: 40 gaaon ki zimme dari hai hamri ke kandhon pe

2. Mogambo (Mr. India)

Here comes the difficult one. Should Mogambo be the first one on the list or the second? Some would argue that he should be right there at the top. An once-in-a-lifetime performance by Amrish Puri who gave a new meaning to negative characters. Credit also goes to Javed Akhtar who created a simple line ‘Mogambo Khush Hua’ which till date is being used in every household. What’s even more startling is the fact that when you look carefully at the film, Mogambo actually does nothing really evil… He talks, he threatens, he clicks his fingers on a globe on his throne, he strides, and he builds missiles and threatens to blow up India. His people jump in the burning acids but he does not ask them to do so. Yes, he was happy to see that happening but he did not do anything himself. An absolutely adorable villain which everyone hated as a kid. Rarely does an actor so embrace a role like this. God bless you Amrish Puri sb… wherever you are.

Character conceived by: Javed Akhtar/Shekhar Kapur

Tagline: Mogambo Khush Hua

1. Gabbar Singh (Sholay)

Can you imagine that the biggest villain ever created in the history of Hindi cinema did not get a Filmfare award? Because at that time, Filmfare did not have the category in awards. That still does not stop Amjad Khan from becoming immortal. The producers wanted Danny Denzongpa to play the bandit chief and Amjad Khan was a second choice. The character of Gabbar Singh was modeled on a real-life dacoit of the same name who menaced the villages around Gwalior in the 1950s. He terrorized the local police. Any policeman captured by the real Gabbar Singh had his ears and nose cut off, and was then released as an object lesson to other policemen. He has a sadistic personality and insists on killing whenever required to continue his status and to take revenge on his enemies. Sholay is regarded as the highest earning Indian film ever and it would not be the same had it not been for Amjad Khan’s Gabbar Singh and his amazingly delivered lines. Salute.

Character conceived by: Salim Khan/Javed Akhtar

Tagline: Jo Darr Gaya Samjho Marr Gaya/Kitnay Aadmi Thay/Tera Kya Hoga Kaaliya/Bohot Yaarana Lagta Hai etc.

PS: Other honorable mentions in the category of villains are Inspector Giridhar (Hum), Amavas (Jallad), Anna Bhai (Parinda), Kans Mama (Ganga Jamna Saraswati), Shahrukh Khan (Anjaam), Amy (Shaitaan), Bhairav Singh (Udaan), Kancha Cheena (Agneepath), Bad Man (Ram Lakhan) and Prem (Bobby).

Mere Brother Ki Dulhan (Movie Review)

2011-09-09T04:26:00.006+04:00

Decades ago, there was a time when good movies and successful movies meant the same thing. Content was the king and filmmakers made good movies in order to be successful. But then things changed. Commercial success and good quality cinema became distant from each other. Chak De India and Company became less and Ready, Om Shanti Om and Tees Maar Khan started defining success.

This overdose of commercialism also results in films like Mere Brother Ki Dulhan (MBKD) where the corporates decide on the cast first and script comes later. Is script important to filmmakers or to the masses? Probably not. The success of Ready and Bodyguard assure that it’s not. Then why fuss about the story of MBKD? Masses in the 100% occupied theater in the late night show were giggling and laughing. The guy sitting next was literally rolling on the floor. It doesn’t matter if 10% of the people sitting in that theater did not like the script because they will not decide the success or failure of the film.

MBKD is a love triangle, pretty much a love rectangle, of Imran Khan, Katrina Kaif, Ali Zafar and Tara D’Souza. Ali, who breaks up his five year long relationship with Tara, assigns his younger brother Imran the task of finding him a bride in India. Imran finds Katrina and falls in love with her much to his own dislike and the trouble begins. Along come extremely unnatural dialog delivery, roughly cut sequences and superfluous song placements. As promising as the premise of the script sounds, it’s the extremely unpersuasive first hour that makes the film a drag. Every actor is trying to defeat the other in overacting. On the plus side, the film has pretty good choreography especially in the title song where Chaiyan Chaiyan has been replicated in a very creative way and Madhubala which gives a new life to Jai Jai Shiv Shankar. Bosco-Ceaser, good show, boys.

The second half gets much better after a relatively mundane start and does get funny in a few segments. A big reason for this turnaround is Ali Zafar who has much more screen presence in the second half than the first.

Speaking of Ali’s performance, it does have its shortcomings; however, it still remains the best act in the film especially in the second half. His comic timing is much better than Imran’s although not as good as it was in Tere Bin Laden (TBL). He was pretty good in his scenes with Tara D’Souza in the second half. He has a pretty special talent in voice variations which excelled in this performance and saved grace in the second half. Most of his shortcomings could be attributed to the director’s weak treatment. From Ali’s perspective, it was a good movie to sign. With TBL he grabbed the attention of filmmakers and he needed this to grab the audience too and it makes sense for his future in the industry. He needs to improve his dancing skills though.

Imran disappoints. After an entertaining Delhi Belly, this looks like a hasty effort from the actor. Utterly artificial scenes with his childhood friends and no chemistry whatsoever with Katrina. Romantic scenes between the two looked amateurish to say the least. It was another one of those Break Ke Baad and I Hate Luv Storys types of performances by Imran. Katrina Kaif surprised on a few occasions. In fact, in the first half, she was probably the best of the lot mainly because others were pretty bad. Poor bike scenes and poor rock concert song where she could not control her overacting but decent otherwise. Her role was very badly conceived. A 27 year old acting like a 13 year old is never funny.

Tara D’Souza did well in her brief role; however, she was again portraying a confusingly written character. Other supporting cast was a drag except for Zeeshan Ayub who played Shobit.

A huge frustration was the cinematographer Sudeep Chatterjee. I’m still struggling to understand what he was trying to do. One of the worst displays of camera works I have witnessed in recent past. 60% of the film was in extreme close-ups with only the actors’ faces visible on the huge screen. Camera looked as if it was going to go inside their noses. Sudeep has an impressive career record with Chak De India, Kaminey, Guzarish and a fairly impressive Road. I believe he was probably working on a brief from the director for that completely not-so-innovative camera work.

Which brings us to probably the biggest culprit of the film, the second Ali associated with it i.e. Ali Abbas Zafar. He wrote and directed the film and more often than not failed on both. A very weak script which depended a lot on acting and dialogues, hence, succeeded at some places and failed at others. The story was half cooked and a mixture of several films previously seen like Tanu Weds Manu, Jab We Met etc. Direction was flawed, full of unnecessary sequences, unplanned songs and even continuity errors like shoes changing within one scene and Imran calling Ali both Luv and Bhai Sahab (with a very lame reasoning of this nick name).

Overall, MBKD could have been and should have been a much better film if, and a huge if, it had a better script, better direction, better acting and more prominent role for Ali Zafar. It still might be a successful outing on the box office, because as I said earlier, commercial success has new definitions in this day and age, however, it’s pretty far away from being a good film.

Middle East Business Guide: Characters In A Typical Office

2011-09-02T01:41:00.002+04:00

This post is based on almost two years I have spent in the corporate sector of the Middle East (ME) and two years of dealing with ME based regional office of a global FMCG company. Dedicated to the common yet special kinds of people I have come across in that period. If you are looking for a job in the ME, these are the people you might come across. If you are already working in the ME, It’s also possible that you might fall in one of these categories, however, this is not meant to hit anyone directly. Also, I’m using ‘HE’ but these characters belong to both genders.

1. THE PRINCE

This guy has it all. He is usually the highest paid guy in his peer group. He gets more subordinates to work under his supervision despite that his workload is far less than the others. He gets the highest bonus, takes more holidays than others without being questioned and gets all his expenses reimbursed. Even if he gets a present for his mother-in-law, the company reimburses the cash. Nobody asks him about the deadlines he has missed and he seldom meets any deadline. If somehow the company management makes him unhappy by either not paying his expenses or giving him some extra work, they become very obviously apologetic. In short, the Prince has everything you only wish for. Major speculations keep making rounds in the organization about him having personal relationship with people on the Board of Directors etc. but sadly, nobody understands why he has those privileges because that usually does not come from merit and talent.

Possible Nationality: Saudi/Emirati

Mostly found in? Marketing

How to deal with him: If you have choice, be on his side rather than against him.

2. THE STYLE ICON

Usually there are two of them. One male and one female. Whatever their job description is, their sole purpose in life is to give inferiority complex to the other employees through their dressing and fashion sense. Even when you think you have put on your most stylish and expensive casual wear or formal wear, they will be a step ahead of you and they wouldn’t skip a beat before making you realize that you are still behind them when it comes to fashion and brands. Armani suits, Versace shoes, Bvlgari glasses and Joe Rodeo watch. Beat that if you can.

Possible Nationality: Lebanese. (Or half Arab half European/American)

Mostly found in? Front of you, all the time.

How to deal with him: Ignore the brands.

3. THE OVER-EFFICIENT SOCIAL OUTCAST

Not for the office. For the outside world. Because he spends almost 20 hours a day in the office. If one day you decide to get up at 5:00am and be the first one to reach work at 6:00am, you will find him at work before you. The day you decide to sit late to make an impression, you will still leave at 11:30 in the night. He does not believe in weekends and works seven days a week on a regular basis. Annual leave does not exist in his work ethics. Whenever the management asks for a deadline, he already has done the damned job and gives 24 hours as the deadline. Whenever company introduces a new shitty policy, he sings praises for it, abides by it and does not leave room for anyone else to say no to it. The worst part is that he is pretty good at his job too and why wouldn’t he when he has nothing else to do in life. God help you if you are reporting to him because he expects the same geeky behavior from his subordinates.

Possible Nationality: Pakistanis. North Indians.

Mostly found in? Finance

How to deal with him: Get him married to nagging wife. He will become one of you.

4. MISTER NO

Out of all the characters, this is the most annoying one. This guy does not have a YES for an answer for anything you ask him to do. He will pretend to be extremely busy, will never reply to emails and will be very vocal and loud in the meetings and in front of the management. No matter how simple the task is and no matter how obvious the reasons are, this guy loves hiding information and making things difficult for other people who are dependent on this douchebag for their work. Can I have the data you shared in that meeting? NO. I have misplaced it. Can you get this job done by that time? Its tricky. Will not be possible. Can you explain the reasons for putting the cat in the cage to me? NO. Ask the cat. Can we meet the deadline of six months for project Nursery Rhymes? NO. Too short a lead time and the rhymes don’t rhyme.

Possible Nationality: Egyptians. At times South Asians too.

Mostly found in? Procurement/Supply Chain/Trade Marketing (At Times)

How to deal with him: Give him a taste of his own medicine, a NO to what he asks for.

5. THE LAST RESORT ADMIN GUY

Need a hotel booking? Air ticket? Stationery? Courier service? IT equipment? Meeting room? Medical Insurance? Old files? Brooke Shields? Eiffel tower? Amazon River? Crocodiles? Just name it and this guy would arrange it for you as long as it’s legal and you get the requisition approved by management. He wouldn’t move an inch until you give him an approved document and once you do, he will make sure that he delivers your stuff to you. Very reliable, very efficient and very calm guy. You can remove anyone from the system and the system will continue without any problem but this guy is truly indispensible.

PS: Not to be confused with a bugger in Admin who has a lot of similarities with Mister No.

Possible Nationality: South Indian.

Mostly found in? Admin, where else?

How to deal with him: With respect.

6. THE MICRO MANAGER

He may or may not have a mustache. Most of the time, he is the top most guy with a lot of authority but he prefers using that authority in the least significant matters instead of focusing on strategic and important issues that can set the future direction for the organization. He comes in action really strongly when Marketing department wants to publish a sticker to be pasted on the pack, or a poster for the markets, or a banner for digital advertising. He would spend hours and hours on the font color and text size, waste three weeks on this petty thing which makes no difference whatsoever to the end consumer and in the end will blame you for missing the deadline. If you are really unfortunate, he comes coupled with the qualities of being a ‘pessimistic asshole’ and can make your life a living hell.

Possible Nationality: Anywhere in the world. It’s a state of mind anyone can acquire.

Mostly found in? Top Management.

How to deal with him: Update your resume.

Other than these characters, there are always The Confused Lady, The Mimicry King or Stand-up Comedian, The Butter-Spread Guy, The Incompetent Snob etc. Please handle them with care.

How Many People Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb? The FMCG Way!

2011-08-21T13:15:00.003+04:00

Marketing Response: As per Retail Audit, there is a huge opportunity to change 15 bulbs if we can put 3 sales team members on the task because of low numeric distribution. The household penetration of light bulbs is very low. Trial is the key here. Our focus group research tells us that one man takes an average of 14.75 minutes to change a light bulb in the west region and 13.24 in the east region. Therefore it makes more sense to change the light bulbs in the east region. However, from the Brand Health Tracker blah blah blah blah...

Sales Response: It will be done. Don't ask how many people it takes. Don't ask how it will be done. Don't ask anything if it’s not done by the 20^th of the month because we assure you before the month end it will be done. Don't ask how. Keep it in mind that we might need extra budget for this push as we think that the Marketing campaign designed to convince people to change light bulbs was not effective at all.

Trade Marketing Response: We have checked with Marketing. We are waiting for their response. We have also taken sales in the loop. Hopefully, they will also get back to us. We will get back to you on that soon.

Finance Response: The only problem is that marketing has been spending a lot of money on change the light bulbs campaign this year. This years’ spend is 1.0657% higher than last year and is now falling in the unacceptable range. On the previous campaign too, marketing spent a full 1,167 Dollars. Changing the light bulbs only gives a profit of 13.4 million Dollars and spending 1,167 Dollars is not justified for this activity. Instead if we put the same amount in bottom line, we can increase the Net Profit by 0.00000006574%.

HR Response: It requires around seven people to do this job; however, our head count is totally out of proportions right now. We can allow you a maximum of one person to do this job. That too, not a full time employee but only an intern. Naturally, interns are paid less than full time employees and this is a small job, therefore, we will only pay 3.75 Dollars per hour. Unfortunately, we offer medical insurance and other perks only to the full time employees and not interns. We take great pride in being a people oriented company and we will leave no stones unturned to keep the employees motivated. We might not pay as high as others but we invest a lot on training our people and will send this intern to the other room next door on a great workshop about ‘how to light a bulb when you are totally overworked’.

Supply Chain Response: Light bulb? What light bulb? We haven't produced any. Marketing did not inform us in time for production. Material prices are going up and suppliers are asking for advance payments. Can someone please ask finance to release supplier’s payments? Hold on… What? Machine has broken down? CRISIS!

Ad Agency Response: You have no idea how excited we are. This is such an exciting project. We have a dedicated team working only on this campaign. We will give you a breakthrough idea which will win us multiple awards. We will also send an entry to Cannes this year which has always been our dream. It will be a bit expensive though. Producing this ad film would cost around 1.3 million Dollars but it will be worth spending that money on this film. What’s the project again?

Media Agency Response: We can achieve 150 GRPs for this campaign with the budget you have given. It’s only 4 million Dollars, anyway. We will still be the most cost effective in the light bulbs category based on CPRPs. (We know you cannot check other brands’ CPRPs and totally rely on what we tell you. Why would we tell you we are worse than the others?) Oh by the way, Social Media is picking up big time. We need to make a Facebook page for lighting bulbs and have a contest on it. The fastest person to light a bulb gets a fantastic prize. We don't know how we will deliver the prize to him/her but we will sure find a way.

Consumer Response: Where are the damned light bulbs?

Greatest All Rounder of All Time

2011-08-05T19:09:00.001+04:00

(Disclaimer: this post is purely based on career statistics and does not take into account subjective measures like match winning performances, ability to turn around matches, leadership skills etc.)

n: all-rounder - a versatile person who is expert at many things.

Although all bowlers must bat and quite a few batsmen do bowl occasionally, most players are skilled in only one of the two disciplines and are considered specialists. In Cricketing terms, an all-rounder is a cricketer who regularly performs well at both batting and bowling.

Until the end of world, Cricket will keep producing all-rounders, hence, the quest to find the perfect all-rounder will never finish. From Walker to Alan Davidson, Sobers to Marshall and Botham to Imran or Kapil, world cricket has seen many versatile players who toppled other teams with their performances with both Bat and Ball. Here is an attempt to evaluate the full career performances of some top all-rounders of the game who

Following are the evaluation criteria for this compilation:

Point System
Total Base Points = Each Run Scored: 1 point + Each Wicket taken: 20 points + Each catch taken: 5 points
Bonus Points = Each Hundred: 20 points + Each 5 wickets haul: 30 points
Quality Filter = {(Base Points + Bonus Points) * Batting Average}/Bowling Average

Qualification
Test Cricket: Minimum 2,500 runs and 200 wickets
ODI Cricket: Minimum 2,000 runs and 150 wickets

TEST CRICKET
The first name that comes to mind when one thinks about the best all time all-rounder in test cricket is of the-one-and-only Sir Garfield Sobers. Based on the selection criteria mentioned above, other expected names that appear in the list are Jacques Kallis, Kapil Dev, Imran Khan, Ian Botham and Richard Hadlee. To some extent, Wasim Akram and Shaun Pollock are also expected to be in the list. Andrew Flintoff and Daniel Vettori are the real surprises in the list. Even more, Chris Cairns too is invited to this party, although, very obviously at the lowest rank of all.

Key point to take home is that Kallis has 3,000 more runs, 35 more wickets and 59 more catches than Gary Sobers making him the top ranked all-rounder on base points. Kapil Dev due to his 5,000+ runs with his 434 wickets is at number 2, followed by Ian Botham at number 3. Sobers only appears at number 4, 5,000 points below Kallis and 200 points below Botham. It also comes out as a sad surprise that Shaun Pollock has better career stats as compared to Imran Khan and Wasim Akram. On base points, Imran is even below Wasim at 8. Adding Bonus points to the equation does not change the list much and each player retains its base points position with minor changes in point’s difference.

When Quality filter of batting and bowling averages is applied on the above list, three players end up losing points because their batting averages are lower than their bowling averages. The biggest loser being Daniel Vettori who loses 11% points, Wasim Akram also loses 4% of his points and Freddie Flintoff loses 3% points. This is where Sobers’s greatness comes in handy as he gains 70% points through quality filter. Imran Khan also gains 65%, however, they both remain unable to compete with Kallis who gains 79% on the top position. Imran Khan, courtesy his excellent bowling and batting averages, jumps 6 positions to reach number 3 on the list through quality filter. Kapil Dev drops down to number 7. Among these all-rounders, Imran and Hadlee have the best bowling averages which really help their case. Imran, in fact, has the second best bowling average and third best batting average in the list. Kallis and Sobers gain through their high batting averages.

ODI CRICKET
One Day Cricket has 18 players who qualify in the criteria mentioned above. Due to the excess of ODI cricket in the last one decade, players like Shahid Afridi, Abdul Razzaq and Chris Gayle also qualify in the list. Sachin Tendulkar, who has taken 151 wickets in ODIs backed by his mammoth run scoring streaks, also ranks pretty high in the ODI all-rounders list. In fact, after the inclusion of bonus points for his hundreds, he is the top all-rounder in the list even though he does not technically qualify as a full time all-rounder either. Statistics, however, suggest otherwise. Kallis is again in the top three after Sachin and the mighty Jayasuria. Sanath Jayasuria is probably the one who should be on top of this list. Shahid Afridi with his almost 7,000 ODI runs and over 300 wickets is in top 5. Kapil and Imran are not even in top ten in this list and have been surpassed b Razzaq, Gayle and Hooper.

Applying quality filter on this list changes things again. Kallis is once again the major gainer with 43% gain whereas Imran Khan also gains 26% points to reach top ten in the list. Daniel Vettori, Afridi and Wasim Akram all lose more than 30% of their points because of their batting averages. Wasim Akram only has a batting average of 16 in ODIs.

OVERALL
Gary Sobers did not play ODI cricket or else these stats might have shown something different. Some all-time great players like Viv Richards, Steve Waugh, Hadlee, Botham and Jayasuria did not have enough runs or wickets to qualify in the all-rounder criterion in the above list. There were only seven players who fulfilled all the requirements of being in an overall top all-rounders list. Daniel Vettori being the biggest surprise of all.

No matter what we think or say, Jacques Kallis has credentials to prove that he is the best all-rounder cricket has ever seen. He might be considered selfish, not-a-match-winner or other things, but his stats tell a totally different and awe inspiring story. Almost perfect stats for an all-rounder who is still playing and can add a lot to these stats. Shaun Pollock is the less celebrated of these all-rounders but still he also has a very impressive résumé. Imran, Kapil and Wasim all have a lot to boast about.

Here is the final list of overall top 7 all-rounders (statistically speaking) the world cricket has ever seen.

Tiring Retiring

2011-07-24T01:26:00.000+04:00

Top three batsmen in the current Indian test team have an average age of 37.33. This very point raised an argument in a group which I was a part of. The main topic being how long Indian batting would rely on these Sachin, Dravid and Laxman and how much more time these guys have before they retire from international cricket.

To start with the only notable Indian cricketers who have retired in the last 4-5 years are Sourav Ganguly and Anil Kumble. In more ways than one, those were forced retirements or else they would have continued. That’s precisely the reason why I felt the urge to have a look at the retirement pattern that prevails in different cricket teams in the world.

INDIA: They don’t retire. Not easily at least. Some continue to play until they break a particular record and others until they are sure of getting an IPL contract or a commentary deal. Next possible retirement? None in the next 2-3 years.

PAKISTAN: While only 2 Indian cricketers have retired in the last 5 years, Shahid Afridi alone has retired thrice and is still playing. Between Shahid Afridi, Younus Khan and Mohammad Yousuf, total retirements have been around a dozen and interestingly all three of them are still current players. The only decent retirement since that of Imran Khan was by Shoaib Akhtar. Even Azhar Mahmood is still not retired and has even mentioned a comeback in his recent interview. Has Saqlain retired? I’m not sure. The one retirement which was expected is now captaining the team. Next possible retirement? Real or protest?

AUSTRALIA: They have a genuine reason for not retiring. They debut at the age when other countries’ cricketers are thinking of retiring. There is always a Shaun Tait here and there but generally they are as sticky as Ponting and Brad Hodge. Next possible retirement? Ponting for heaven’s sake.

NEWZEALAND: They like taking retirement. They like it so much that they make up for other teams not taking it. Some of the Kiwi players have even been reported to retire before their debuts. It’s a general belief in New Zealand that Vettori can play alone and all other players can retire. Roger Twose and Geoff Allott definitely thought the same. Next possible retirement? 10 of the current players before 2012.

SRI LANKA: They are quite similar in behavior to India but they are generally nice, which makes them bearable. They don’t retire before they secure a place in the parliament. One of the major reasons is that they know that they will become captains after 30 so they wait for being captain. Jayasuria was asked on gun point to sign the retirement papers or else he would have played till 60. Next possible retirement? Whoever gets assurance of election tickets.

WEST INDIES: They don’t retire. They take the board head on, go on to play unbelievably breathtaking innings in the IPL, earn more money then watch the national games from the crowd and show the middle finger to the WICB. Cool as a cucumber. The real tussle is who will retire first, the cricketers or the board. Next possible retirement? WICB.

SOUTH AFRICA: They have a generally sensible approach towards retirement. They usually take logical reasons like form, age and physical fitness into consideration when thinking about retiring. The only issue is that they end up writing books after retiring and start blaming their colleagues for making ‘cliques’ in the team. Next possible retirement? Kallis and Boucher. Or has Boucher already retired?

ENGLAND: They also have board issues but they take it in a British accent and not in Jamaican accent like the West Indians. The board makes a young Barbie captain; the suffering player being British takes it very culturally and extends support for the new captain. The board drops his from the team. He does not take retirement but he knows his time is over. Everyone else wonders why he was replaced in the first place when he had won his team the world cup. Some retire due to injuries. Next possible retirement? Colly.

PS: Other than cricketers, it’s about time some of the commentators also took retirement especially those who take pride in stating the obvious.

Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara (Movie Review)

2011-07-15T20:01:00.003+04:00

There is a fine line between good films and great films. Several times we have seen really good films falling short of being great films because the director and writer underestimate the intelligence of their audience and become too explanatory and narrative. As result of which, the story drags and audience loses interest. I might sound a bit harsh to the overall outcome of the effort of Zoya Akhtar but I believe this is exactly what happened with the highly anticipated Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara (ZNMD). It has all the ingredients of becoming an all-time great film and it ends up being just another good film.

It’s inevitable to draw parallels with the great Dil Chahta Hai but it’s unfair to do so. The only common thing is the lead trio and their bonding with each other but that’s about it. I would personally consider it more on the lines of The Bucket List where the main characters break the shackles of their inner confines by doing things they have never done before but even The Bucket List has a different message altogether which is difficult to match.

Besides being an excellent advertisement for tourism of Spain, ZNMD is a story of three lifelong friends going on an once-in-a-lifetime trip for the bachelor party, end up doing things which would make them look at their lives in a different way and inspire them to change the course of their lives by taking things in their own hands. Reema Kagti and Zoya Akhtar have a pleasant story. The first half is excellent but they fail to keep the screenplay tight enough in the second half. It becomes so lose at times that you start wondering how long it will take to finish a particular narrative.

While educated humor, good acting, witty dialogue, amazing locations and cinematography work in favor of the film, there is always over-explanation for character building and communication of emotions that spoils the party. Hrithik is over ambitious, yes and it was understood from his intro scenes. There was no need of establishing this fact with seven sequences. It’s a long film, almost three hours out of which sharp editing could have reduced the duration by twenty minutes. The song where Hrithik gives weird orgasmic expressions after being kissed (which obviously was not his first) is never-ending. The skydive scene could have been shorter. Ditto for the bull race. Zoya the director was too lenient with Reema’s screenplay and editing.

Farhan Akhtar has the biggest role in his acting career and he has managed it well. Excellent comic timing and fluency. Better than both his previous ventures. He also got a chance to recite some brilliant poems of his father but wasn’t all that eloquent with that. Abhay Deol is the best among the three. It’s almost his first big release and he has pulled it off in style. His pairing with Kalki also comes out nice after Dev D. Naseer was awesome in his cameo. A lesson for Hrithik. Naseer’s role was also complicated and he only had ten minutes to convince everyone and he did what Hrithik could not in hours.

On a personal level, I was slightly disappointed by Hrithik. The brilliant actor that he is, I would expect a lot more from him. Agreed, his character was a difficult one and he tried hard but he wasn’t very convincing in the first half. I would also blame Zoya for that as I think she made a judgment error of giving total freehand to Hrithik and not challenging him enough. Katrina Kaif wastes some of the most inspiring lines of the film. Horrible dialogue delivery. She has been in the industry long enough to understand correct pronunciation of Hindi and the alibi of not knowing Hindi will not be valid anymore. Bad, bad, bad performance. The Hrithik Katrina pairing is also not the most comfortable one either. They don’t look natural.

Even though I have been quite negative in reviewing the film but this is mainly driven from the expectations this film carried. A film like this with less talented people would be awesome but when talent like Hrithik, Farhan, Abhay and Zoya are involved, one would expect another Dil Chahta Hai. Would ZNMD be an earner, probably yes… Would it be an all-time classic, No.

Night Cricket In Karachi - The Legends

2011-07-13T02:42:00.001+04:00

Having played cricket in both Karachi and Lahore, I can very safely say that cricket in Lahore is much superior in quality because of the facilities it offers. For example, it’s difficult to find more than 6-7 good properly maintained grounds in Karachi whereas only Model Town in Lahore has more than a dozen excellent grounds with proper nets. However, Karachi has something very peculiar to offer in the form of Night Cricket. Night cricket is also present in Lahore but not the way it is in Karachi where every other street has its own rules, its own boundaries and its own legends. Just like there are some legendary terms used for reference like ‘Committee’ is the guy who organizes the matches even if he is only one individual, matches are referred to as ‘Rounds’ (when is our round means when is our match), bowling in the block hole is called ‘Jarr Pakarna’ (Holding the Root) etc.

This post is a tribute to some of the regular characters you come across if you are a consistent Night Cricketer in Karachi. Here are some of those legends who are present in almost all the great teams and contribute greatly to their victories.

THE NAZIMABAD EXPRESS

Or the FB Area Express. Or the Gulshan Express. No matter what you call him, he will be unplayable. When you first look at him, you would think that he probably repairs motor cycles at an auto workshop and he probably does. He wears a checked dull colored dress shirt with dress pants. He does not wear joggers and only sports bathroom slippers. He looks alarmingly malnourished and can put skinniest super models to shame. When you are ready at your batting stance to face him, you will notice that his run up is not more than three steps. That’s the last thing you will remember, though. He will casually run those two three steps and the next thing will be a huge thud of ball hitting the metallic wicket behind you. That skinny-slipper-wearing-nobody is so damn quick that you wouldn’t even see the ball and you will be a goner.

How to handle? For your own sake, it’s better if you see him off without losing your wicket. You can make runs on other bowlers.

THE DEVIL FINGER

If you survived the one deadly over from the Nazimabad Express and thought that good days have come, you were totally wrong. Usually, the express is followed by the devil finger. This guy is a fat Kung-Fu-panda type medium pacer who believes in fingering. The only thing is that this fingering is done on the taped tennis ball at a decent pace and is more difficult to negotiate than the regular finger spin specially with limited light available. He can actually teach you salsa, twist and rock & roll while you are batting against him and you will spend the entire night wondering where the ball pitched and where it ended up.

How to handle a finger? Keep the gaps tight, whether the gaps are between the bat and the ball or between your legs.

THE IMPERMEABLE WICKET KEEPER

No doubt, he has never met Kamran Akmal. This guy usually has a beard; stands just 2-3 inches behind the wicket and does not let a single ball pass him by. An important point to note is that the wickets in Karachi night cricket are mostly metallic and have sharp edges but this guy doesn’t care and since fortune favors the brave, he doesn’t get hurt either. No matter how bad the light is, and it is usually bad, no matter how fast the bowler is and no matter how thick the edges are, nothing can bother this guy. He would not miss a dust particle and the moment you step slightly out of your crease, you will be stumped in a jiffy.

How to handle? When he is behind the wicket, make sure your back foot is always in the crease.

THE REAL VIRENDER CHRIS ADAM AFRIDI

In his own domain this guy is a combination of all the explosive hitters you have seen in your lives. In a proper cricket ground he might not be able to cross the inner circle but on the street where you have been invited to play a best-of-three series, he knows where the runs are. He can hit any ball to the boundary and that is as straight as ever. That’s mainly because most of the cricket is played on straight roads with houses on either side. At times, you keep wondering what went wrong with the ball you delivered and how it ended up over the boundary.

How to handle? He can be stopped and the solution is The Devil Finger.

THE ELITE UMPIRE

If everything else works in favor of your team, there is always an umpire to spoil the party. This guy is from the 70s school of West Indian umpiring who does not believe in giving any decision against his team. He can call a ball missing off stump by inches a wide, can declare a knee height ball beamer, turn down a run out appeal even if the batsman is meters short of the crease and can even declare his friend not out when he is clean bowled. Yes he is that damned good.

How to handle? Solution to this guy is to have one of your own elite umpires when your turn comes. In popular Karachi terms ‘hamari bhi umpiring aaye gi!’

Other than these guys, there are some more characters like the Non-Playing Captain, The Cable Guy for electricity issues, The Chucker spinner for creating issues between teams etc. irrespective of all these idiosyncrasies, Karachi night cricket is immense fun and not something to be missed if you are a fan of Karachi or cricket. Either ways, the two things go hand in hand.

The Last Whistle

2011-07-06T17:44:00.003+04:00

She opened the window of her balcony on the second floor and whistled out loud. A few men passing-by on the street below looked up to see what was going on and women gave her disapproving looks. The one for whom it was intended, stopped in front of his car upon hearing the whistle, shook his head knowing exactly where it had come from and sat in the car. She closed the window with a big grin on her face. Her mission was accomplished.

That was way before they got married and had not even seen each other. She knew how to whistle and he did not. That was almost a decade back. That was also the time when Walkman was the music hip thing and not an iPod. Trends have changed and one thing which has not been able to cope up with the change is ‘Whistling’.

Vivek Mishran whistling in ILU ILU (Saudagar)

Human whistling is the production of sound by means of carefully controlling a stream of air flowing between lips and then blowing or sucking air through the hole. The air is moderated by the lips, tongue, teeth or fingers (placed over the mouth) to create turbulence, and the mouth acts as a resonant chamber to enhance the resulting sound. Nobody knows when whistling started or who started it but the art traveled from placed to places and generations to generations.

Rajesh Khanna whistling in Yeh Shaam Mastani (Kati Patang)

I am a big fan of whistling although I have never been good at it, therefore, it hurts me to see that the art of whistling has almost vanished breed these days. Quite a few of my favorite Bollywood songs started or had made use of whistling to a great effect. ‘Ilu Ilu’ from Saudagar has brilliant whistling, whistling in ‘Chhor Aaya Hum Wo Galiyan’ of Maachis has a poignant touch to it, ‘Chaand Sifarish’ of Fanaa has a mischievous whistle in it and who can forget the evergreen ‘Ye Shaam Mastani’ from Kati Patang which has a whistling sequence you cannot stop humming. Slowly and gradually, whistling has moved out of popular music. For a few months after the release of ‘Bridge over the River Kwai’ in 1957, half the world was whistling the British Army's ‘Colonel Bogey’ song. Saleem Javed, the Pakistani pop star had a song called Seetiyan Baja Ke.

Its not just music that has suffered the loss of decline in whistling. With the downfall of whistling, has gone a manner of public display of opinion and attitude. A symbol of cockiness has disappeared. If a guy was walking on the streets with his hands in the pocket and whistling, he had an attitude. He was the no nonsense do-I-look-as-if-I-give-shit kinda guy. The elders would tell you not to whistle because it was a symbol of being a bad guy. At least it had some significance in the society.

Aamir Khan whistling in Chaand Sifarish (Fanaa)

On the one hand it was a declaration of liberty, on the other it was a tool to invite anybody of like mind to share in the same attitude. In conservative Pakistani and Indian society whistling was also used as a tool to get attention of females. Different tones of whistling would have different signals and meanings. A certain whistling tone would mean that the girl has to come in the window while another would mean that there is a risk and plan is canceled. You could whistle in joy, in shock, in lust and even in anger.

It’s not the same anymore. When did you last hear anyone whistling on the streets? Even the bad guys standing in the markets don’t whistle anymore. Music industry had parted ways with Whistling. Too bad, technology has taken a big leap and all this can now be done through a BBM or a text message. The pigeons that used to carry letters and messages from one person to another are jobless and whistling is out of fashion.

Delhi Belly (Movie Review)

2011-07-01T04:19:00.002+04:00

Humor is relative. What’s humorous to me might not be funny to you and while you laugh on something, I might not laugh on it. Humor is also circumstantial and gets rusty out of the context. However, there is some humor which is universal and is acceptable to everyone. If we apply the same theory on modern Hindi films, Andaz Apna Apna and Munna Bhai series might be the only films to go in universally accepted humor category. Some other humor examples that worked on the box office but were not universally accepted are Singh is King, Ajab Prem Ki Ghazab Kahani, Phir Hera Pheri, Ready, Dhamaal and Golmaal etc. Then there is another kind of humor which does not go well with the masses but has its own cult following like that of Wesa Bhi Hota Hai Part II, Mithya, Bheja Fry etc. Delhi Belly (DB) is somewhere in between the universally accepted form of humor and the subtle cult following kind of humor. Through DB and other such efforts, Hindi cinema is coming out of romantic comedies and running around the trees.

To start with, the film is hilarious. It leaves you with one laugh riot after another and does not give you a chance to fully recover from the previous one before sending you through another piece of joviality. It’s mostly tongue in cheek humor but at times goes very physical as well. What works in favor of the film is its dialogues and wonderful acting even though the story does not have ground breaking stuff to offer. DB could very easily go as the best casting of the year 2011, especially with the kind of role given to Vijay Raaz. Another thing that goes in favor of DB is its short duration and fast pace.

Abhinay Deo, in his second directorial outing after a mildly interesting and mildly painful Game, has made sure that he doesn’t go wrong anywhere even if he does not create a masterpiece. He has focused on technical side more to make sure that the editing is crisp and background score goes in line with the action despite no songs. Also, with an open ended climax, he seems to have left a door open for a sequel. Nonetheless, it’s more of an actors’ film rather than a director’s film and the actors have handled their responsibility with utmost satisfaction of the director. Nobody goes overboard in humor and specially the sidekicks stick to their jobs and cinematography is as per the need. The biggest compliment that I can give DB is that it has made Shehnaz Treasurywala look bearable.

The lead trio, which has a distant similarity to the trio of The Hangover, has carried the film well on its shoulders. Imran Khan has done a very good job. This is his best performance since his debut. He looks in control and has a much improved dialogue delivery and comic timing after two lowly performances in Break Ke Baad and I Hate Luv Storys. Kunal Roy Kapoor is a welcome addition to the comic brigade. Vir Das is fantastic. A highly underrated actor, I must say. If someone needs more exposure for his talent, that’s got to be Vir Das. The debutant Poorna Jagganathan surprises. She might not be the best looking new comer, but she surely is a good performer. The film, however, in my opinion, belongs to Vijay Raaz. He is in terrific form and outdoes himself. We all know what a brilliant actor he is but here he takes charge and delivers an outstanding performance as the villain. His scenes with Vladimir in the hotel and with the trio in their apartment are to die for. It’s criminal to see so less of Vijay in recent times. Aamir Khan also appears at the end for an item number but that’s after the film has left its mark.

There are two reasons why DB might not work with masses even though it has a release of 1400 prints which is huge. The first barrier is the language. 95% of the film is in English. The last film with such high level of English in it was Kites and it was a box office disaster, though from a different genre. The other issue is also the language but here I mean the profanity in it. Yes, it’s an adult movie and has an A certificate but the explicitness that DB has, I have never seen in Hindi cinema before. In that department, it can actually put Hollywood to shame. It’s that openness though, that makes DB worth watching again.

To conclude, DB is worth a watch. Actually a lot more than worth a watch but you have to have an appetite for a certain kind of humor to watch it repeatedly. Also, be careful who you are accompanying when you go to watch it and what's your level of frankness with the people you are watching it with. Definitely, not a movie to watch with your mother-in-law or your 12 year old niece.

10 Movie Reviews - Part 3

2011-06-28T15:44:00.007+04:00

Caution: majority of the movies I see fall in Drama genre and are off-beat films which can be boring to a lot of people.

WRIST CUTTERS: A LOVE STORY

(Patrick Fugit, Shea Whigham)

Someone actually had the brains to think of a story like this. OK, so there are people who commit suicide, yes. Where do they go? They go to a place/planet/world only made for those who commit suicide. Or so says the movie Wrist Cutters. They have a new life in their own suicide land and have to work, earn money, live, love etc. our hero; Fugit commits suicide after breaking up with his girlfriend and ends up in the suicide world where he falls in love with another girl. Unfortunately, that girl killed herself by mistake and did not want to commit suicide; hence, she wants to go back to the normal world. The film takes a new turn when Fugits first girlfriend also commits suicide and comes to the same world. An excellent film and well worth seeing: It defies pigeonholing into a genre. Thinking about suicide? Think again. And watch WRISTCUTTERS: A LOVE STORY before you pull out that razor blade, swallow those pills, or pop that gun barrel into your mouth.

ROGER DODGER

(Campbell Scott, Jesse Eisenberg, Isabella Rossellini, Elizabeth Berkley)

Nominated for numerous awards mainly for the debut director category, Roger Dodger is a must watch if you want to have a look at a totally different kind of film making. Roger Swanson, a fast talking, chain-smoking, ever drinking 30-something that believes he is truly God's gift to earthly women. Enter Roger's nephew, Nick who shows up from out of town and looks to Roger for help in the disposing of his virginity. In the end it is Nick's innocence and honestly that has the women swoon over Roger's frank and demeaning manner. I have to admit, I have never seen a movie like this before. This is a dialogue based movie. The film has nothing else but dialogue between different people in 3-4 sequences. First sequence lasts for around twenty minutes and has fascinating fascinating fascinating word play in it. It then moves to a second sequence where another world play begins. The way the film ends, is brilliant.

AN UNFINISHED LIFE

(Morgan Freeman, Robert Redford, Jennifer Lopez)

This is based on a true story with a very compelling tagline; “You are not supposed to outlive your children”. Set up in the rural American life, an unfinished life tells a compelling tale of a father’s love for his son which makes him hate his daughter-in-law as he blames her for his death. It tells a tale of a woman struggling to get rid of her past while raising a daughter on her own seeking help from his father-in-law who hates her. Robert Redford has put up a very strong performance as the tough villager who eventually gives up in toughness facade. Morgan Freeman’s supporting role keeps the drama in balance whereas Jennifer Lopez has done surprisingly well. A genuinely good film to watch.

PAY IT FORWARD

(Kevin Spacey, Helen Hunt)

A professor with a dark past and a single mother on two jobs trying to feed her kid who is going far away from her come together to see something big happening around them. Something really big. What a concept. If we all start paying it forward, the world will be a better place. It's more than just a film. It is a social study which everyone should take notice of, as much for the questions that remain unanswered as those that are answered. It will leave you exhausted and battered emotionally, and with a bad taste in your mouth about how it ended – but you'll be glad of it. Some of the scenes in the film are so touching that you stay motionless for a long time especially the scene in which Kevin Spacey tells his story to Helen Hunt. Helen’s character is pretty much coming from her own role in the timeless classic and my all time favorite As Good As It Gets.

TRAFFIC

(Michael Douglas, Catherine Zeta Jones, Dennis Quaid, Benicio Del Toro)

A modern day look at America's war on drugs told through four separate stories that are connected in one way or another. From the judge who finds his daughter is hooked, to the cop whose boss is a General working with the cartels, the war on drugs is shown to be a mammoth problem that can only ever be reduced as there is always going to be a high demand. Traffic is 4 Academy Awards winner for Best Direction, story, editing and Supporting Actor to Benicio Del Toro. Benicio swept almost all the award ceremonies in 2001 including BAFTA and Grammy for his portrayal of a Mexican cop. He was also the first actor to win an Oscar without having an English dialogue in the film. Another surprisingly strong performance was Erika Christensen’s as the addicted daughter of a conservative judge Douglas. Dennis Quaid is wasted in a small role. Despite that the film captures drug trafficking in a very authentic way, it still is on the negative side for its screenplay which makes it look like a documentary at times. Its in the end the powerhouse performances that save the film.

TRADE

(Kevin Kline, Cesar Ramos)

If Traffic tells the story behind Drug Trafficking, Trade explores the hideous truths lying behind human trafficking, mainly for prostitution, between Mexico and USA. It's a hard hitting story of an 18-year old Mexican boy whose 14 year sister is kidnapped and he has to save her from the human traffickers of USA. Kline, an American cop is also on the hunt for his daughter who was kidnapped more than a decade ago, finds the boy and decides to help him, only to reveal bitter truths behind skin trade. Trade is a brutal film filled with strong performances about a subject matter almost taboo to discuss - the sex trafficking of children and teens across the world. Gaitán gives a superb performance as the young victim, matched by the intense desperation of Ramos as her brother and Bachleda as the Polish woman whom she befriends during the ordeal. The end is sad, especially for those who start sympathizing with Cline, however, does not go away from possible realities. Do watch it if you can digest topics like these.

THE VICIOUS KIND

(Brittany Snow, Adam Scott, Alex Frost)

Another different kind film, thankfully, not about any kind of trafficking. An elegant study in character and the use of subtle good vs. evil interplay in the presentation of a character to an audience. Such is the nature of these stories; you are looking at weak, selfish people, who cannot seem to control their emotions, even if at the cost of ruining another person's life. This film was also nominated for several awards mainly Adam Scott for his portrayal of a judgmental, indecisive and bitter young man who blames his father for his mother’s death. On Thanksgiving Day, Adam has to drive his teenage brother Frost home along with his girlfriend Brittany Snow and develops a crush on her. Brittany Snow is fantastic. She is one young actress besides Allen Paige to watch out for in the future.

MARIA FULL OF GRACE

(Catalina Sandino Moreno, Guilied Lopez, Orlando Tobón)

Another Oscar nominated film which even won Catalina Sandino the Best Actress award. It's a Spanish film set in a Columbian village from where 17 year old Pregnant Maria, tries smuggling banned substance to USA in her stomach along with some other Columbian women. Each person changes throughout the course of the story. The movie shows a picture of life, and in life, people change. They learn lessons that shape the way they become. And in this movie, Maria learns valuable lessons. At the beginning, Maria is a free-spirited, strong-willed girl who thinks that running away from her life is the only way to really live. But the burdens of decision-making and being on her own are challenges that she must learn to face. It was filmed in such a "no frills" kind of way; I really appreciated the direction they took. It fit well with the subject matter. The writers made you sympathize with Maria and her plight. Unfortunately, the plot shift, just didn't work for me. It was disappointing, but still well acted and directed.

WONDERLAND

(Val Kilmer, Lisa Kudrov, Kate Bosworth)

When did we ever see Val Kilmer and Lisa Kudrov pair up? Talk about unlikely casting in a true story about wonderland murders involving porn star John Holmes (played by Kilmer). The film did not work on the box-office because of its intricate treatment. The film is about John Holmes the legendary porn star (whom I never even heard of) and his involvement or lack of involvement to a mass murder of four of his supposed friends. On July 1, 1981 (a month before I was born) in the Hollywood Hills police entered the home of Joy Miller, and what they found forever changed the lives of all involved. It has to be watched for its story and the lies behind the brutal murders more than anything else. on the whole, Wonderland is a slightly better than average film with an above average cast.

THE HUMAN STAIN

(Anthony Hopkins, Nicole Kidman, Ed Harris)

The Human Stain is a fairly disturbing film based on the theme of an old man falling in love with a much younger woman after the death of his wife and being fired from his job. The woman too has had a shady past and is recovering from a divorce as well as the reputation of being a hooker. Another box office failure is actually a performance failure too but more than a performance failure, it's a writing failure. It also touches points of racism. Hopkins is woefully miscast in the lead role, not because he delivers a bad performance but because I found it virtually impossible to accept him as an African American passing himself off as white. So, regardless the excellent and flawless acting of all the players, I think this Human Stain could be the worst miss casting ever.

Suneel Kahani (The Suneel Story)

2011-06-14T01:08:00.001+04:00

(All the Suneels used in this story are fictitious and any resemblance with a real life Suneel will be purely coincidental. No Suneel was harmed while this story was being written)

The whole house is decorated with balloons, colorful ribbons, glitter and toys. Stage is set for a big birthday bash. The cake has a big candle of number 4 on it. After all, it’s the fourth birthday of Suneel. Everyone is waiting for Suneel but where is Suneel? Look for him… check upstairs… check with his aunt… here he is… Suneel is playing in the garden with the gardener’s dirty son. Oh come on… now who will make Suneel understand that…

Here we go… that is an awesome Shalwar Qameez suit. 6 year old Suneel will look like star when he will wear this on the Eid day. He is very excited about this dress. He went to the market to buy it himself and wants to show it off to his siblings. Now we are waiting to see him wear it. He will come out in a minute. Here he is… What? He is wearing an old dress? Why? What? He gave away his dress to a poor kid on the street? Oh come on… now who will make Suneel understand that…

What is the date today? Its 14^th of August. Fine, it is the Independence Day and all but who celebrates these things now. The country is not going anywhere, anyway. We will definitely not do anything special today and we don’t expect to see much either. Who is this kid climbing the wall? Looks like it is Suneel. What is this 8 year old kid up to? He has climbed the wall now and guess what, he has Pakistan flag in his hands now and he is pasting it on the wall. Oh come on… now who will make Suneel understand that…

Yeah… we know Pakistan cricket team has reached the world cup final. It’s no big deal really. Cricket is a lousy sport. We are not even watching the game. Even if they win, what difference would it make to anyone? Wait a minute… what is this noise? Are there kids on the street? Yes, there are. They are singing ‘Dil Dil Pakistan’. This one has Imran Khan’s poster in his hands. This is one cheesy kid. Who is this? No way… is this Suneel? Oh come on… now who will make Suneel understand that…

Suneel, I don’t think this is going to work this way. You are getting out of hands. You need to leave the country or you will become too much of a patriot. We should send you abroad. Enough is enough. You will go to Europe, will study and work there. Are you crying? I know you will miss us. We will miss you too… what? You are not crying because of us and you are crying because you don’t want to leave Pakistan? Oh come on… now who will make Suneel understand that…

Today is a big day. Suneel is coming back home after 15 years. We are very excited. We have been talking about little things that he used to do when he was in Pakistan. Here he is, coming out of the arrival lounge. Happy and fresh. Uh? Did he just push a beggar kid away? The kid has fallen on the ground. That’s rude. Uh? Did he just scream at the driver to drive fast? This driver is at least double Suneel’s age. Uh? Did he just curse upon seeing Imran Khan’s billboard? Uh? Wasn’t he his hero? Did he just say that Pakistan is like a shit-hole? Oh come on… now who will make Suneel understand that…

Shaitan (Movie Review)

2011-06-10T20:52:00.008+04:00

We all have some inner demons which we keep suppressing inside us. Some of us succeed and some of us don’t. Shaitan, the movie, is also a tale of some entities fighting their inner demons while they are involved in a web of events that unfold as a result of a self-inflicted horror on their lives. Shaitan is a contemporary cinematic experience that explores the dark sides of humans belonging to different backgrounds.

It’s difficult to draw parallels of Shaitan with movies we have seen before. A road accident ala ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’, a young girl staging her own kidnapping ala ‘Khiladi’ and wild youth ala ‘Rung De Basanti’ maybe, but that’s all there is in comparisons. When the debutant director Bijoy Nambiar combines these stories with other intriguing elements of Shaitan, they become a completely innovative experience never told to the Indian audience before. Luckily, Shaitan does not rely solely on these events. It offers much more to the audience in story and not just story, it simply excels in other departments too. It does have some gruesome details of torture and substance abuse, hence, the A certificate, but it’s definitely not a Rakht Charitra. At times, it even got the audience into fits of laughter.

Kalki, as Amy, is a mother-less teenaged daughter of a rich engineer, who despises her step mother. She befriends a gang of outrageous youth and together with them gets involved in a crime. Enter Rajiv Khandelwal (Aamir and Sujal Garewal fame) as the belligerent, underpaid, hard-hitting cop who is also going through troubled marriage. It’s a gripping story that has been told very well. By far the best work in 2011. Bijoy drives straight from Mani Ratnam way of film making. Authentic and intense.

Shaitan features the group of youngsters as the main cast; however, it never expects the audience to sympathize with them. The treatment and screenplay is spellbinding right from the introduction of the cast. The film is very strong on technical grounds. Madhi has done a phenomenal job with the camera. Watch out for the scenes in the church, views from inside a beer bottle from the center of a cricket bat etc. Sound design and Kunal Shamra’s background scores are simply brilliant. ‘O Yaara’ is a beautiful song. ‘Hawa Hawaii’ of Mister India has been featured in a unique way but good old ‘Khoya Khoya Chand’ on a gun fight sequence is just mind blowing. That gun fight sequence itself is the best part of the entire film and something that has never shown in Hindi cinema before.

On performances, Shaitan a power house. Kalki steals the show with her genuine portrayal of a disturbed child. She is unbelievably good in drugs scenes and in her portrayals of insensitivity. Rajiv is not far behind either, although, his role is lesser than Kalki’s. Kashyap and Binoy have gathered a wonderful ensemble cast for this project. Pawan Malhotra, Shiv Pandit, Gulshan Devaiya and Neil Bhoopalam etc. have done their respective jobs with sincerity. Nitin of MTV is a pleasant surprise. The actress playing a cameo as the divorce lawyer in the court scene is remarkable.

The film does have some low points which could have been handled in a better way. The repetitive emergence of Kalki’s mother’s sequence could have been avoided at some places. It was overdone and not explained well, although shot with utmost appetizing camera work. Kirti Kulhari who plays young actress in the group could have done a better job. Even her character towards the second half, lacks the intensity it showed in the beginning sequences. The humor sequence of an informer’s Nikah was unnecessary. The reason why Rajiv and his wife are having troubled marriage has not been explained. These things have little impact on the overall film and story but could have improved it further.

Anurag would not cast a KHAN in his productions and will probably never sign up Pritam for the music. Kashyap brand of Indian cinema will always be unique but is also expected to have a limited audience. He experimented with a debutant director for Udaan and created a masterpiece. He has almost done it again with another debutant director Bijoy and has created another modern day classic. Anurag has little left to prove to the world that he can make beautiful films. What he does still need is to prove is that his films can do wonders on the box office. Shaitan, is a colossal attempt, however, it’s still unlikely to set box-office ablaze. Watch it before it’s off the cinemas already.

Losing My Pants… AGAIN! (But Lucky to Survive)

2011-06-02T18:37:00.002+04:00

Losing my pants is not my hobby. It just happened once when I lost my pants accidentally at the Dubai Airport.

It happened again after an interval of eight months; however, the second time was excruciating… yet gratifying. And more significantly, this time it was a lot colder than Dubai. In fact, it was in a temperature of thirty degrees below freezing point.

Question… How many of you have lost your pants on the Arctic Circle? I have.

It was the second week of February 2011 and our last night on the Arctic Circle when the Henkel group decided to go in search of the Northern Lights. I was riding the snow bike with a Saudi colleague sitting behind me. Unfortunately for the group, that night the temperature fell even further and became really cold. Too cold to survive, literally. Despite being specially dressed for the trip, our skins and eyes started freezing and that was when we decided to turn around.

When we turned back, the head lights of our snow bike went off. We started following other bikes in their lights; I was sitting at the back on our way back while Saieed, the Saudi guy drove. I had closed my eyes because opening them would mean snow in the eyes too. Only at the time when we had almost reached the parking point, he missed a stone and the bike hit it. The impact was powerful enough to turn the bike around with a leap. Saieed was able to jump in time as he was at the front but since I was at the back and could not see what was going on, I was unable to get out of the way of the bike and it fell on my thighs. My leg was stuck between snow and the 200KG bike. There was a mini chaos; however, I was able to manage to get myself inside the Ice Hotel of Lumilanna.

Adeel and Adil helping me walk after returning from the doctor.
Much needed.

Management acted quickly and decided to take me to the hospital for an X-Ray and proper treatment. I was covered in multiple layers of clothes, all full length. I wanted to take them off so that I could wear shorts and then cover myself again but that would have meant going back to the room which was far and changing all the clothes which looked difficult with an injured leg.

That was what made the different. Indeed, a road less traveled.

I reached the hospital and the first check point was the X-Ray machine. With a lot of effort and help of the pretty Swedish nurse, I was able to get on the X-Ray bed. She then asked me to uncover my leg for the X-Ray. Only then I realized that it was a bit difficult to drag the cargo pants up to the thigh level and it refused to go above the knee. A lot of wounded stretching and ten minutes later, I was able to expose some of my thigh to the lady and the X-Ray machine. The first part was still decent.

The next check point was the trickier one. Before going to the room, I had seen the pretty doctor moving around and had secretly wished for her to be attending me. To be honest, in her case, PRETTY is an understatement. She was gorgeous. Our HR Director who accompanying me described her later as ‘She was really something’.

My next stop was her room. She asked me some basic questions and then asked me to take off my pants.

“I’m not wearing anything underneath.” I tried explaining to her.

“So?” She did not give much weight to my objection.

“I will leave the room.” Our embarrassed HR director got up and left.

I looked at her as if she would change her mind but it was not to be. Slowly, I sat on the bed and unbuttoned my pants. Three… two… one… and off it went.

There I was. Sitting in front of a beautiful ‘something’ of a girl, in freezing temperature, without my pants.

She ordered me to lie down straight on my back. I did not have any option. Slowly, I moved back and lied down on the white bed. And then, with the X-ray result in her hands, she started checking the injury area by rubbing my thigh. All my male readers would know the feeling. They would understand what I was going through at that time. I had totally forgotten my pain and the main focus was on… ah well, to save grace and avoid another embarrassment. What really helped me at that time was my skill of focusing on something totally different from the point of action. I started thinking of other things.

Cricket… the upcoming world cup… Soccer… My thighs… her hand… work… Persil… Her hand… Vernel… Nestle… My thighs…

“Do you feel anything?” She slowly hit my thigh with her fist and asked me.

“If I feel anything, you will find out.”

Sense of humor is not what doctors appreciate. She in return of my comedy, told me to turn around.

Revenge maybe…

Turning around made things worse by all standards. From the embarrassment of my back side hanging in the air in front of her and the possibility of… I’m lost for words.

After completing her examination in fifteen minutes, she told me to dress up again.

I survived the most complex few minutes of my life with full grace and came out CLEAN from it.

I would still ask my doctor readers two things:

1. Is it really needed to take the patient’s pants off if you already have the X-Ray?

2. Does it actually take fifteen minutes of physical probing to ascertain the level of damage even if there is no fracture?

I just want to be sure that I was not used and abused.

To Those Who Reported To Me - Part 2

2011-05-28T18:04:00.002+04:00

This is a sequel to my earlier post about those who reported to me in the first two years of my professional life. The previously mentioned ‘pleasant’ individuals were followed by some even better ones, each having their own inimitable physiognomies.

In 2006, I left advertising to explore the brand management horizon with one of the leading global consumer goods manufacturers. My first year went without any subordinate, however, the second year started with a promotion and a gift of God in Mr. ZA. Trouble started even before I was blessed with him. I had recently become a Brand Manager and I was of the opinion that nothing in the world could happen without my endorsement. One fine day, I found Mr. ZA sitting next to me as my subordinate. The first thing I did was that I called our HR to demand an explanation how my subordinate could be hired without my approval. I would have wanted at least some say in choosing the right person. The HR department was actually a dear friend and Mr. ZA became a reason for a fight between us.

Anyway, I put that issue behind me to focus on Mr. ZA. Now when I think about it, he looked a lot like Obaid Chawla. Probably they are cousins. Mr. ZA was amazing. Literally. He would take notes of all the tasks I assigned to him, nod his head religiously on everything he heard from me and take-off after that as if he would finish the task at the speed of light. Only that he never did. I would come to him at the given deadline to ask him about the progress and he would sit quiet in front of me. I used to ask him once, twice and thrice but he would not say a single word. Obviously, the task was not done but the painful part was that he never gave me any reason on why the task could not be done.

In those discussions, he would appear as if he would start crying any moment. My female colleague who used to sit next to him would burst out laughing on those scenes. Those were the most ridiculous three months of my professional life. In those days, I used to travel a lot domestically and he job mainly was to follow up on the projects in my absence. Every time I would come back from my trip, there would be no progress on anything. I tried sweetness, anger, counseling, pushing, probing, penetrating etc. with him but nothing worked. Three months later, upon completion of his probation, Mr. ZA informed me that he would not be able to continue working with the company. He did not even wait for his evaluation and left. Between our HR and me, I won 1-0.

Current Whereabouts: Who cares? Facebook friend? Yeah, right.

Mr. ZA was my first and last subordinate in my first stint as a Brand Manager. I moved to Lahore a year after recovering from ZA syndrome and became a part of Nestle. First year in Nestle was again without a subordinate, however, in the second year I got my first proper Management Trainee. A LUMS graduate, Ms. AY was a very sweet lady. There are several reasons for me to draw similarities between SA of Interflow and AY of Nestle. They were both creative and intellectual to an extent. On a personal evaluation, I would consider SA to have more analytical skills than AY but I would give higher marks to AY on creativity.

The problem with both of them was the inability to come out of their shells and challenge the status quo. At the stage when they reported to me, they both lacked assertiveness. Another reason could be that both were on their first jobs when they were working under me. Just like SA, AY was also much disciplined and took the directions seriously. She met deadlines regularly when it came to her own work, however, because of being a bit soft and sweet, struggled with deadlines relating to other people’s work. We did not get to work for very long. She reported to me for only three months, then she went off to have a baby and by the time she came back, I had left Nestle. Nonetheless, I believe it was a fine experience working with her. The little improvement needs that she had could have been resolved very easily in a few months and she could become a handy Assistant Manager to have.

Current Whereabouts: Still working at Nestle with a different boss and is a mother of an adorable son. Facebook friend? Yes.

And then life brought me to the Middle East to find my first international subordinate reporting to me. She has been imported from Germany. Ms. NH is still a part of our current team; hence, it will not be appropriate to write much about her as of now. The only hint I can give is that she is pretty similar to one of the other six subordinates I have mentioned in the last two posts. Which one, I leave to the readers.

That’s all on those who reported to me. I might write about the bosses I reported to. That will be another interesting angle. To conclude this discussion, the best subordinate I have had in my seven years of professional career was Mr. Bhutto and the best subordinate that I did not get was Sooban.

That Day Of The Year

2011-05-25T03:49:00.001+04:00

That day of the year is coming again. It’s Just a week away. 1^st June 1998 will never come again.

We never found out her date of birth. Or the year. The only thing we knew was that she was born during the ‘Barsaat’ (Monsoon) season. Probably it was August and she was a Leo like me, or maybe it was July and she was a Cancer like Misil Junior. Or maybe, the faintest chance is that she was born on 11^th July like my Misil.

I’m writing about her for the first time in the last thirteen years.

She was a simple woman. There was nothing intricate in her personality. Like I don’t remember any time when she took more than ten minutes to get ready to go somewhere. That’s as long as you take to change your dress and that’s it. She never wore make-up. No matter how long the trip was going to be, she always started early. Even for her last trip to heaven.

She was even simpler in her eating habits. She would eat anything. The only thing that she did not eat was Baingan (Eggplant curry). In those times, the readymade masalas were not very common and most of the things she made were with self-made masalas. Her Biryani was pretty good, although, I don’t remember anymore how it tasted. Her parathas were extra ordinary. Even she made Aam Ka Achaar (Mango Pickles) at home. As kids we used to look forward to summers so that we could have that raw achaar.

She wasn’t literate. She never went to school. The only thing she could write was her name which she learned so that she could open a bank account and sign cheques. We used to write cheques for her and she would sign them. This is all pre-ATM age and bank accounts were dependent on cheques. Despite that, she made sure that all her kids had good education. It was very uncommon with a family history like ours to educate girls as much as she emphasized on the education of my sisters. All of them have done their masters in their respective fields while their cousins were dropping out left right and center. My eldest sister was the first girl to complete her masters in the entire family history.

In my case, she was predominantly authoritarian but she had a great vision of how she wanted my life to progress. She put me in a school managed by Pakistan Air Force, even though, nobody had heard of it in the family. She wanted me to join PAF and I religiously followed that dream. At 12, she made me appear in the selection process for PAF College Sargodha, where I failed the final medical test because of a heart related issue. Naturally, she was worried to learn that and left no stone unturned to find out what was wrong with my heart. Apparently, all the independent doctors confirmed that there was nothing wrong. That was it for both me and her to close the chapter of PAF and move on. When I did well in my tenth grade board exams, she gave me a computer as a gift. I was on a camping trip with my school team and when I came back, I had a computer at home. This was in 1997 when iPhone was not as popular in Pakistan as it is now. She was an uneducated Pakistani woman who chose a computer as her son’s present in 1997. Needless to describe how much it helped me in my life.

Her confidence in me was so high that she never attended any parents teacher meeting held at the school. She knew that I was doing well and it was because of that confidence she gave me that I excelled in everything I did at school. It was only after she was gone that I lost my interest in studies. The first year after her was the worst of my academic life till I regrouped myself in the next two years. Maybe it was my way of retaliation to God as to why He took her away.

She was a very strong woman. She had to be to be raising six children on her own as my father spent most of his life abroad for work. The only time I saw her crying was in 1995 when we were leaving our grandmother’s house in our village after a short trip. Just a few silent tears as she left her own mother and the house where she was born. We are a very unexpressive family. We don’t tell each other how much we love each other or how important we are to each other but we all know that as a given. She never hugged me to tell me that she loved me but she didn’t need to. The tears I mentioned above are the only form of emotional expressions I remember her for.

When we moved to our house in Buffer Zone in 1983, our house was the only decent place in the city where someone from our village could stay. Very soon, it became a temporary residence for all the young men of our family who came to Karachi to look for work. To us, all of them were ‘Mamu’ (Uncle). They were her real brothers, cousins, cousin’s cousins and so on. The number kept increasing. The upper floor or the house was like a barrack with a dozen beds. Without exaggeration, at one time, there were more than ten Mamus living with us. She had them and she had six children of her own and she used to cook and clean for all the eighteen people. One addition to the list of eaters was ‘Saaeen’. Saaeen was the Sindhi night watchman of our neighborhood who would get food from our house. It was mostly my responsibility to deliver him food and I hated doing that. The clock kept ticking and one by one, they all established their respective jobs in Karachi and left our house. The only one left in the end was her younger brother Waris Khan.

And in 1997, he also left. It wasn’t the fact that he left that mattered to her, it was how he left that did. A series of shock which she was unable to take and fell sick.

Naturally, for less exposed people like us who had only heard the word cancer in films and dramas, it was difficult to understand that it was cancer. It did not even occur to us properly even when we found out. It dawned upon us gradually when we saw her literally deteriorating. Losing weight, losing hair and eventually losing life.

The last month of her life was very painful.

For us and for her.

We knew she was going and we could not do anything about it. I was not even seventeen and my younger sister was thirteen and all of us were silently trying to imagine how life would be without her. We always failed to imagine that. On one of those days, I was sitting next to her when she told me to check the main gate. It was the time when she could not even open her eyes. Her whole flesh was gone and she was only bones. Her head did not have hair anymore because of chemotherapy and was always covered in a scarf as she did not want anyone to see her head. She had fever throughout the day.

“Can’t you hear the doorbell?” She had ordered me.

“It’s not ringing.” I had said politely.

“I can hear it. Go, open the door. It’s Waris.” Her younger brother.

“It’s not ringing.” I tried controlling my tears. Waris Mamu was probably sitting in his new house 40 kilometers away.

“If you don’t get up to open it, I will go and open it myself.” She had tried getting up but failed. Then she passed out.

In those days, I was having my annual exams of first year in college. It wasn’t very easy for me to keep a straight face in college and see her like that at home. My sisters would tell her about how I was doing in my exams to keep her involved but in her last two days, she stopped recognizing us.

On 1^st June 1998, I had my last exam. I told my friends that I wouldn’t be able to join them in post exam party because my mother was not well. I reached home and saw that she was being taken to the hospital in an ambulance. She threw up blood in the ambulance before she left our house forever. Importantly, it was my last day of exams. It was her motherly instinct that gave her the will power to continue till the last day because if it had happened earlier, it would have ruined my exams. On the last day, she gave up. We went to the hospital but came back with her not breathing anymore. She was probably less than 40 when she passed away.

1^st June 1998 will never come again.

She left but left several questions for us to answer. We, as a family, went through several phases in the years that followed but we stuck together. Our father left his job from abroad and joined us to rebuild the family together.

Life has moved on since. Parathas are still being eaten but Achaar now comes from the market in glass jars. Baingan is still not in our food menus and PAF is not a career I chose. Cheques books have been replaced by ATM cards. Things have changed.

The one thing that has not changed is my visits to doctors. Even when I was 17, I did not visit doctors if she did not accompany me. No matter how sick I was and irrespective of the fact that our general physician was at a walking distance. To date, I don’t find myself strong enough to visit a doctor without her and it’s always a battle.

Her name was Misil-un-Nisa. An example for all the women.

The Bond of Fear

2011-05-01T17:57:00.000+04:00

After a rather embarrassing stint at the water park I moved on to the Scream Park. Embarrassing because in sheer negligence I had worn white shorts without realizing that I was going to a water park. Rest is history.

It was 14th Feb 2009 and my last day in Malaysia on a seven day trip. I was at Sunway Lagoon Putrajaya, mainly because I only had half day to spare and a flight to catch.

I have never been a great fan of amusement parks and I am more of a landscape and scenery guy but my options were limited because of only 3-4 hours of free time. I moved to the rides feeling all like John Abraham of Dhoom and tried the boring Niagara Falls ride and a couple of more before reaching the Scream Park.

There was a small queue at the entrance, which comprised of a middle aged Oriental couple at the front, two very Pakistani looking girls behind them and the last, but not the least, yours truly. One of the girls was trying to convince the other to go inside but the other was scared even before going to the Scream Park, which apparently, was going to be a real horror show including some interaction with ghosts.

To make things worse for everyone, a young couple came out of the gate and the woman was in tears. The guy, probably Lebanese or Egyptian, was trying to calm her down but she was so scared that she would not stop crying. That literally shook the life out of the ladies standing ahead of me.

“It’s too scareful.” Said the Lebanese man. Yes, he used the word scare-full. The woman with him sat down next to the wall and kept crying. I took out the camera and took their picture. She managed to put a shy smile for the photograph and started looking better.

the shy smile on the face of the arab lady

On the other hand, the negotiations between the two girls had become intense and had come to Urdu. My guess was that they were less than twenty-two. Meanwhile, the guard opened the door and time for argument was over. The five of us moved inside while the guard explained the safety precautions.

“Do not touch anything. If a ghost comes to you don't react. Don't hit him. There are two exit points inside. If you think you cannot continue, leave from there. If you cross the second one, you will have to take the full course.”

We entered the huge gate standing stock-still in pitch darkness. After a pause that lasted half a minute, I asked everyone to move. As if woken up from their sleep, they started taking baby steps, very slowly. That was when the first ghost appeared from the left side. It was tied with a rope from the top and came down almost touching the head of the girl in front. She screamed aloud and grabbed me. Yes, I am deliberately underplaying the word grabbed here.

And then another one appeared from right, another one from left. Thanks to the ghosts, from both sides I was tightly hugged by the two girls.

“You are so staying with us.” The brave one said to me and held me even more tightly.

Of course I was staying with them.

“Sure. Although there is nothing to worry about. If you look closely, you will see that the ghosts look Malaysian. Obviously it's the make-up or else why would ghosts look Far Eastern? Oh, and by the way, I’m Shazil.”

“I’m Priyanka. Do you live here?”

“No, I’m from Pakistan. Business trip. I thought you were a Pakistani.”

“I’m Indian. But my dad was born in Karachi.”

Meanwhile, ghosts kept coming, sound effects kept changing and light effects intensified. Naturally, she was scared and held me tightly every time a ghost appeared.

Her cousin, the other girl, decided to leave at the first exit. She could not take it any further and was too scared. Priyanka tried to convince her into going till the end but failed.

“Fattu!”

She called her cousin a ‘coward’ as we moved forward to a tunnel. It was a tunnel with 3D where one felt like he was falling where in reality he was only walking straight. At the end of the tunnel, there was the scariest of all the ghosts.

It was a creepy scene. Exactly when we finished the tunnel trying to balance ourselves, we just fell down from the two feet high platform. It's a natural instinct to adjust the balance and straighten up when you fall down. While doing that, we saw two bleeding ghosts/humans eating something from the floor which was also covered with blood.

For a moment, I was also caught off-guard. They looked like cannibals.

“Allah!” she screamed.

And that scream immediately took my attention off the scene.

‘Allah?’

“Are you a Muslim?” I asked in a surprise.

“No.” She held me close. Her hair touched my face. “I don't believe in religion.”

“Atheist?”

“I said I don't believe in religion. I believe in God. I don't need a religion to communicate to Him. I have a direct connection.”

“And you call him Allah?”

“Anything that comes to my lips. Allah… Bhagwan… Christ… God… does that matter, really? Its only one God that listens to me no matter what I call Him.”

We had reached the end. She had survived the Scream Park. Her cousin was waiting for her outside the gate and was relieved to see her. Priyanka slowly removed her arms from me and stepped away.

It felt like we had just broken a prison.

“Thank you, Shazil.”

“My pleasure.”

I smiled and walked away. I moved around for some time, saw the Scholar Rocks and the wildlife. Walking downstairs, I saw Priyanka and her cousin coming towards me from the other side. The crossed me without any look of familiarity on their faces.

I knew they would not recognize me. They did not know me, anyway. They only knew the guy they came close to when they were frightened.

Fear, is what brings to individuals close. Be it the fear of the ghosts in a Scream Park or the fear of being alone in the whole world. The moment that fear is over, they don't recognize each other. Thankfully, for a lot of us, this fear remains with us forever and keeps two people together.

I looked back to see them going away, smiled to myself and walked on.

Jabal-e-Noor: Where It All Started

2011-04-19T02:20:00.002+04:00

I was there.

A few days back, who would have thought that I will be there? Just like a year back who would have thought that I will be in Makkah or Madinah. But fate enjoys making the unimaginable possible.

The Taaif to Jeddah road is one of the trickiest ones I have ever driven on. I took a different route this time and entered Makkah from Taaif side. I was in a hurry. I was late. It was almost ten in the night and I had been driving on the mountainous terrain of Taaif. That too, on a road which does not have any street lights. And that’s when I saw the direction board:

Makkah Mukarrama Straight. Jabal-e-Noor Right.

My grip on the steering wheel loosened and I turned to the right and in less than five minutes I was in front of Jabal-e-Noor (Mountain of Light).

Jabal-e-Noor… Where it all started.

Where He was and where I was going. I was not even a filth particle under his feet. Just a nonentity who would walk silently behind His camel all day long. And still, very stubbornly, I was also there. Looking at the steep height of the hill which has Ghaar-e-Hira (the Cave of Hira).

All my life I have loved mountains. In fact, I have been crazy in their craving. I have seen literally ten times higher mountains in Northern Pakistan. Yet I was standing there and I was unable to move.

The man closing his shop next to me was a Pakistani.

“You want to go up?” He asked me politely.

I nodded.

“It’s late. There will be nobody.”

I did not care if there would be nobody. I did not care if it was late. Being there and not going to the top was something I could not afford. At max, I could have had my last breath at the top but I knew I was not that lucky.

“How long would it take me to reach the cave?”

“Forty five minutes. Take some water with you. You will need it.”

Jabal-e-Noor is slightly less than 900 meters in height but it’s very steep. They have made cemented stairs to ease things a bit but it’s very tough to climb. I had to stop after every few minutes to catch my breath and put a few drops of water in my throat. I had heard and saw piles of vomit on the stairs from people who could not manage the height.

I saw two Turkish men coming down. Then I crossed a middle aged couple with a toddler. There were cats and there were marmots, at times fighting with each other.

And finally I reached the top in slightly less than half an hour.

To be honest, I was scared. And I don’t get scared that easily. I have never been scared of heights, I have never been scared of dark and I have never been scared of being alone in an unknown place. In truth, I thrive on these things. But there, I have to admit, I was slightly petrified. A couple of times, it occurred to me that I would probably not be able to climb to the top and that it was too late and I was alone so I should go back. Somehow, I continued.

I was there.

Exactly where Jibraail (Gabriel) had come with the message from Allah.

IQRA… Read…

And I knew why I was scared. The stones I had touched on the way up, were the ones He had touched too. The pebbles I was seeing had been seen by Him too.

I was standing in front of the sign that read ‘Baab-e-Ghaar’… the entrance of the cave.

I turned around. The city of Makkah in moonlight looks gorgeous to say the least. That was the place where my Prophet would have stood to look at the city he loved so dearly. He would not have seen the clock giant Tower for sure, but would have definitely seen the Holy Kaaba.

So, in those times, there was no clock tower, there was no cellular phone and there was no me either.

But what if there was me?

I would have stayed at the same place and would have looked down to the base on the hill.

I would see that an average heighted, strong bodied man is climbing up the hill. He does not stop for His breath as much as I did. He has curly hair and large forehead. His eye-brows are thick and eyes are mesmerizing. He walks fast but His steps are firm.

He would climb up and then stop after the last stone in front of the cave.

He would be there in front of me and I would be looking at Him with my mouth wide open. I would not blink my eyes and even if my whole body was to become eyes, I would still not have enough of seeing Him.

I would turn on the torch in my cell phone for Him so that he could see the cave. He, who brought illumination to the entire human race, would not need my torch.

I would see that He is also surprised to see me and I would see that he knows what I am thinking. He would know that the man in front of Him is a sinner but is not in his senses and if He would not talk to this man, he would keep looking at him silently.

I would hear Him asking me how I was doing and how was my family. He would specially ask about Misil and why she is my life line. If I were to say anything I would only say that the ritual of loving the daughters was also started by Him and that I was just trying to follow Him. He had loved His Zahra and I loved my Zahra who I have named an example (Misil) of His Zahra.

He would not recognize me. He is not supposed to. I am Just a nonentity who would walk silently behind His camel all day long.

But I was not there in those times. I am here in these times and His presence in our hearts is not bound by time and space. Inside Ghar-e-Hira, there are a couple of stones that are naturally fixed at each other in a way that it looks like a chair. That’s where He used to sit. It was in front of me. I could have sat on it.

On places like these, I even forget my prayers. I don’t even ask for anything from Allah and come back a bit ashamed because my family and a lot of my friends expect me to pray for them. At that time, at midnight on that night, I was not talking to myself. The only thing I could think of was that I was breathing in Ghar-e-Hira. The scenes I was witnessing were the ones He saw. What I am writing now actually started from IQRA that came on that hill 1440 years ago.

I am writing all this now but at that time, I did not even create any image in my mind. If I had tried, my faint heart would not have been able to tolerate the intensity of that thought. At that time, I stood in front the seat for a few moments and returned. Only a few moments that seemed to last forever.

On my way back, my legs were shivering. It’s never easy to return from a peak and that too, a peak, where it all started.

A Life Less Ordinary (The Sheikh Sahab Story)

2011-04-17T01:37:00.002+04:00

(My mother told me this story when I was 7 or 8. I don't know where she heard it from but I have a feeling that she created it herself. She never went to a school and the only thing she could write was her name. This still remains one of the most complete and inspirational short stories I have ever heard. I have slightly modified it from the original content to suit the English language. The original story was partly in Urdu and partly in Hindko, our native language)

Sheikh Sahab was a bean-counter. Everyone knew that.

He was greedy and everyone knew that too.

Behind him, all the people in the village made fun of his penny-pinching mind-set and greed. Sheikh Sahab was fully aware of that and he was least bothered. Nobody ever saw him giving any money to the needy or helping the beggars. His answer was always an outright refusal.

Younger generation of the village took it a step further. They started playing a new game. One of the youngsters would go to Sheikh Sahab every day asking him for some money. In return Sheikh Sahab would revert to swearing at them. The game and fun continued for some time but then the youngsters got bored of it. They wanted something new. That's when one of them came up with a crazy idea.

The rich young villager proposed giving a challenge to Sheikh Sahab. Everyone first opposed the idea but the youngster was able to convince people claiming that Sheikh Sahab did not have the balls to fulfill the dare. To be honest, it sounded too scary for anyone let alone Sheikh Sahab.

To everyone’s horror, Sheikh Sahab took the challenge.

A hefty amount was set as the prize money. The challenge was to spend one night in a grave, alone, in a cemetery. It was a sick challenge but Sheikh Sahab would do anything for money.

The date was set. The undertaker prepared a special grave for Sheikh Sahab to spend a night alive. Under strong vigilance of village youth, Sheikh Sahab left home after the sunset and proceeded to the graveyard. Everyone saw him descending into the grave. When he lied down in the open grave, some of the youngsters closed it with wooden slabs only leaving enough room for air to breath.

Everyone left the graveyard but no one slept that night. Everyone was anxious about what would happen to Sheikh Sahab. Some of the elderly of the village cursed the youngsters for that extreme idea.

It was one restless night for the villagers.

Everyone rushed to the cemetery as soon as the sun rose in the morning. When the wooden slabs were removed from the grave, Sheikh Sahab was wide awake. People were expecting him to say something and he finally spoke.

“Where is the money I have won?”

It was there. The guy who had dared Sheikh Sahab came forward and handed the bag full of money to him. Sheikh Sahab started walking towards the village while people followed him waiting to hear his story of the night in the grave.

Sheikh Sahab, instead of going to his house went straight to the slums of the village. The poor slum habitants were surprised at the early morning visit of Sheikh Sahab and were in a shock when he opened the bag full of money in front of them and told them to take the money. Standing there, within ten minutes, Sheikh Sahab distributed all the money among the poor. He then proceeded to his house. He reached his place, came out in a few minutes with a couple of bags in his hands.

Everyone was following him, too shocked to say anything. He once again went straight to the poor and needy of the village and opened the bags in front of them. Within minutes once again, he had distributed all his savings among the deprived ones.

It was the day of celebration for the poor of the village and day of shock for other villagers.

More importantly, it was a day of change for Sheikh Sahab.

For his entire life after that, Sheikh Sahab kept distributing his money among the underprivileged. Whoever came to ask him of any help, he helped him without asking anything. No one went back from his door empty handed.

That day after coming back from the slums, Sheikh Sahab told everyone the reason for his change. Here it is in his own words.

“Walking with my mind totally occupied with the fear of spending the night and eagerness to get my hands on the money, I was interrupted by a beggar on my way. He was asking me for some money. I was disgusted by the interference. In that antipathy, I picked an empty plastic bottle from the street and gave it to the beggar.

‘Here it is… my support for you, in the name of God.’

I made fun of him and went on. In the night, after everyone had left, I was scared to death but was trying to divert my mind to things I could do with the money I was going to get. Suddenly I heard a hiss on my left. My throat went dry and my body froze. I slightly moved my eyes trying to steal a look of what was there.

It was a snake.

That was it. I knew my time had come and the adventure and my gluttony were going to take my life. I kept lying straight waiting for the sting. A few seconds later, I heard another voice as if something was striking an object hard. That sound kept coming with regular intervals first from my right, then left and then right again.

The snake had not bitten me. I gathered some courage and moved my head a bit to have a look at the snake and saw what was happening. The snake was trying to bite me and every time it tried, something came between him and my body. The snake tried biting every part of my body and did not succeed the entire night. The only thing that always came between its venomous tongue and my body was the plastic bottle I had given to that beggar. The whole night, that bottle that I had given in charity in God’s name saved me from the sting of snake.”

Sheikh Sahab died a peaceful death a few years later.

Paying It Forward

2011-04-15T00:05:00.004+04:00

A young 17 year old boy was driving his Suzuki FX while his father sat next to him teaching him how to drive. He had recently learned how to drive and was still not very confident about going on the major roads. His speed control wasn't all that great and the loose brakes of his old car were not helping much.

He noticed a new Nissan Sunny driving in front. He was supposed to go straight but the Sunny driver decided to turn right without giving the indicator. His speed reduced faster than the boy could anticipate. His lack of control, loose brakes and the other man’s fault all acted together and resulted in his old FX hitting the new Sunny from behind.

It was not a big bang. The boy had pulled the brakes and the car had literally stopped, however, his front bumper had merely touched the other car’s rear bumper. The Sunny driver stopped and got off the car, obviously not very happy. The boy and his father also got off to see the level of damage. The man had started screaming by then about the loss to his new car.

They reached out to his rear bumper to see the level of damage the boy had caused. It was a total of a two centimeter black scratch mark on his rear bumper caused by the collision. That was the level of damage to his new car.

The boy apologized. He did not stop screaming.

His father apologized. He did not stop screaming.

His father apologized again while the boy kept quiet beginning to get pissed at that guy. The guy did not stop.

After apologizing three times, the boy’s father took out his handkerchief from his pocket, cleaned his sweat with it and sat down on his knees next to the bumper. He rubbed the bumper with his then wet handkerchief for ten seconds and when he got up, the mark was gone. His father got up and asked the guy if it was fine. He turned around without showing any courtesy, sat in his car and drove off.

The boy and his father never discussed that incident ever again. The boy did not even know if he was supposed to learn a lesson from it.

He found out thirteen years later.

Thirteen years later when he was sitting in a bank with his two-and-a-half year old daughter. His daughter was running around in the bank being her usual self. He would look at her every now and then to see if she was doing fine and would then go back to the discussion with the banker and filling the several application forms he had to fill for the loan he wanted.

All of a sudden he heard someone screaming behind him. He turned around to see what had happened and found out that one of the bank’s senior staff, a female, was not happy with his daughter. The kid was slightly petrified, had lifted her neck completely looking at the tall figure standing in front her of her. He got up from his seat and reached the scene to see the mess his daughter had created. There was a bit of sand spread on the floor.

It was a familiar scene. His daughter had taken out the sand from two flower pots and had spread that on the floor. He reached his daughter and held her hand. She was on the verge of tears.

He apologized. The lady did not stop screaming.

He apologized again. The lady did not stop screaming.

He took a deep breath and sat down next to the mess his daughter had created. In the next half a minute, he picked all the sand with his hands and put all of it back in the flower pots. The floor was back to normal and thirty seconds is all it took.

He got up again, rubbed his hands with his jeans and asked the lady if everything was fine. She turned around without showing any courtesy and walked away.

His daughter was too young to understand why his father was awfully quiet on their drive back home. It took him thirteen years to understand why his father had done what he had done back then.

RAHA NANGAY PAER WO KHUD MAGAR, NAYA BOOT MUJH KO DILA DIYA

MERAY BAAP KE ISI ROOP NE MUJHAY BAAP JESA BANA DIYA.